I've been struggling for a few weeks with how exactly to put my feelings of the past 2 months into words. I definitely want to express how the Lord has been working in me, so here goes . . .
It is no secret that November and December were eventful months for us. On November 17th, our little Micah man turned one. That was such a precious reminder of God's faithfulness to us over the past year. Micah's birth was such a whirlwind, with his arrival coming just a few days after our move to Maine. God took care of us.
On November 19th, Grace and Hope turned 5. That fact in and of itself is hard for me to fathom. When they were born so premature, at just 29 weeks gestation, it was difficult to imagine them at 5 weeks, let alone 5 years! But, here they are, vibrant and strong-willed, beautiful and smart. They've come through many struggles, and today they are thriving. God took care of us.
Move back one day to November 18th and my routine 16 week OB appointment. Doctor's visits are always somewhat annoying. Getting into "town" takes at least 30 minutes, and dragging 4 kids along just makes it even longer. Jeff usually meets me at appointments and sits in the van with the kids, while I just keep looking at the clock, knowing that Jeff needs to get back to work, and the kids are probably getting antsy. On this particular day, I learned that the baby's heart had stopped a few days prior. I called Jeff to tell him I would be a few extra minutes since the baby was dead. We then carried on as usual. I drove myself and the kids home while Jeff went back to work. God took care of us.
Move forward to the beginning of December. Micah fell forward into a pellet stove, burning his hands. Lots of dressing changes and visits to doctors ensued, but his hands now bear almost no evidence of the accident. God took care of us.
There have been lots of other "things" within the past 2 months, but the ending is always the same: God took care of us. The fact will always remain that no matter what trial we may encounter, my Lord is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. We all face unpleasantries. Some seasons may seem harder than others. Some days may seem downright unbearable. I can honestly say that I've been doing okay during these past few weeks. I've been shown immense love and mercy by family and friends. Sure, I've been sad. Sure, I've worried. But I know that He has this under control, and His blessings never cease to amaze me. God is taking care of us.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Friday, August 2, 2013
Broken
I'm not a "touchy-feely" person. I'm definitely not a hugger, and if I open up to someone, I spend the next week regretting my words. That's who I am. Perhaps it's part of my stoic New England background. When I was at Remuda Ranch for treatment, I realized it was part of how I handled life. Sometimes, it's easier not to really "feel" things. Working as an ICU nurse, I had to block out many emotions, or I would have been unable to care for my patients and I would have gone home a complete wreck after every shift.
I know that this mindset is not always healthy. Sometimes, God really needs to break you. That happened this week. I sat down at the piano (lately more of a dust collector), and started playing. Micah just sat at my feet and listened, and the girls happily played in another room. After a couple minutes, all 3 girls came tip-toeing in, and I heard their silly whispers. "She is! She's playing the piano!" I love playing, and really should do it more often. My songs of choice: good old-fashioned hymns and gospel songs. That's what I grew up playing, and those are the songs that really speak to me.
I must say, that we spend a lot of time singing in this house. In fact, if you were to listen in for a day, you might think you were in the midst of a musical. I always loved watching the Rodgers and Hammerstein productions, but thought they were so unrealistic. Who goes around singing through their day? Um -- we do. I thought it was odd when I first heard the girls singing random things: "I'm going to get a pencil", etc. But then I realized I do that, too. "Micah is a stinky boy", etc. We don't just make songs up. We also sing lots of Sunday School choruses that I grew up singing. Often, while we are singing, the words choke me up, but I can usually brush it off and move on. Well, not this week.
I think it was a combination of things, but I'm pretty sure the girls were stunned as they handed me about 25 tissues and kept whispering "Why is she crying?" and "We're sorry. We won't do it again."
"He looked beyond my fault and saw my need." Those are the words I couldn't get past. The Holy Spirit started chipping away at the outer protective layer I had formed around my heart. You see, I, along with I'm sure many others, have a hard time looking beyond my own faults. When I look back at my day, I see lots of black marks shouting "Failure!" Satan whispers to me, "You lost your temper. Your children will always resent you for that." Or, "You weren't disciplined enough. Now, you'll never catch up." My head knows the fallacy in all of Satan's lies, and I can refute them easily with Scripture, but sometimes it takes awhile for my heart to catch up.
When I listen to the lies, it's easy to fall into a slump. Every moment feels like a failure. I feel alone and destined to screw up again. I can tell my children that God is always with them, but I forget to practice what I preach and beg Him to help me through the day.
So, when I really began to internalize the fact that Jesus covered all of my faults at Calvary, and that His mercies truly are new every morning, I felt free. Yes, I may have yelled when I could have solved the problem much differently, but Jesus set me free from the bondage of that guilt. He looks at me and sees His child who needs grace. He also sees that I love my children and I do work hard for my family. He sees that I care about what they learn, how they eat, and when they brush their teeth. I'm not the "good-for-nothing-slacker-mom" that Satan keeps reminding me. I'm the "child-of-the-most-high-God-who-draws-her-strength-from-the-King-of-kings". Lord, please help me remember that, and feel free to "break" me once in a while. Clearly, this stubborn girl needs it.
I know that this mindset is not always healthy. Sometimes, God really needs to break you. That happened this week. I sat down at the piano (lately more of a dust collector), and started playing. Micah just sat at my feet and listened, and the girls happily played in another room. After a couple minutes, all 3 girls came tip-toeing in, and I heard their silly whispers. "She is! She's playing the piano!" I love playing, and really should do it more often. My songs of choice: good old-fashioned hymns and gospel songs. That's what I grew up playing, and those are the songs that really speak to me.
I must say, that we spend a lot of time singing in this house. In fact, if you were to listen in for a day, you might think you were in the midst of a musical. I always loved watching the Rodgers and Hammerstein productions, but thought they were so unrealistic. Who goes around singing through their day? Um -- we do. I thought it was odd when I first heard the girls singing random things: "I'm going to get a pencil", etc. But then I realized I do that, too. "Micah is a stinky boy", etc. We don't just make songs up. We also sing lots of Sunday School choruses that I grew up singing. Often, while we are singing, the words choke me up, but I can usually brush it off and move on. Well, not this week.
I think it was a combination of things, but I'm pretty sure the girls were stunned as they handed me about 25 tissues and kept whispering "Why is she crying?" and "We're sorry. We won't do it again."
"He looked beyond my fault and saw my need." Those are the words I couldn't get past. The Holy Spirit started chipping away at the outer protective layer I had formed around my heart. You see, I, along with I'm sure many others, have a hard time looking beyond my own faults. When I look back at my day, I see lots of black marks shouting "Failure!" Satan whispers to me, "You lost your temper. Your children will always resent you for that." Or, "You weren't disciplined enough. Now, you'll never catch up." My head knows the fallacy in all of Satan's lies, and I can refute them easily with Scripture, but sometimes it takes awhile for my heart to catch up.
When I listen to the lies, it's easy to fall into a slump. Every moment feels like a failure. I feel alone and destined to screw up again. I can tell my children that God is always with them, but I forget to practice what I preach and beg Him to help me through the day.
So, when I really began to internalize the fact that Jesus covered all of my faults at Calvary, and that His mercies truly are new every morning, I felt free. Yes, I may have yelled when I could have solved the problem much differently, but Jesus set me free from the bondage of that guilt. He looks at me and sees His child who needs grace. He also sees that I love my children and I do work hard for my family. He sees that I care about what they learn, how they eat, and when they brush their teeth. I'm not the "good-for-nothing-slacker-mom" that Satan keeps reminding me. I'm the "child-of-the-most-high-God-who-draws-her-strength-from-the-King-of-kings". Lord, please help me remember that, and feel free to "break" me once in a while. Clearly, this stubborn girl needs it.
Friday, May 24, 2013
Overwhelmed
I will now attempt to compose something that makes a little bit of sense from a brain that currently feels like mush.
Overwhelmed. That is the word that would best describe me at the moment. Life is always crazy, but this past week has been especially overwhelming. If I were swimming in the ocean, my head would just barely be rising above the water as I anxiously search for the next wave. No real explanation is needed. I am a wife, a homemaker, and mother to four small children. It's easy to feel the stresses of life pressing in on you when you realize the full weight of all of your responsibilities. I won't bother with listing all the details. That would just serve to make me depressed as I realize the laundry is still calling my name, the dishes are piled high, and the "to-do list" just keeps growing.
I really want to concentrate on a different kind of "overwhelmed." I'm overwhelmed with my Saviour. It's so easy for Satan to remind me where I'm falling short. The evidences are all around me (hence the laundry, the dishes, etc.). Yet, Christ reminds me that I will ALWAYS fall short. Our pastor in Wisconsin used to say, "You can't, but He can." I think that is hard for anyone, but especially women. We like to do it all. After all, we are the queens of multitasking. But, we can't. When my head is spinning, I need to take a moment and say, "I can't, but You can."
So, right now, I'm overwhelmed. I'm overwhelmed that my Saviour loves me even though I mess up Every. Single. Day. I'm overwhelmed that He entrusted me with this amazing family. I don't deserve these children. They are on loan to me from my Heavenly Father. He knows that through His strength and guidance, I can mother them the way they need to be mothered. I still have a hard time truly believing that I am a worthy mother for them, but I'm working on it. I'm overwhelmed that every day that I put something else above Him, He still gives me a second chance, and a third chance, and a 557th chance. I often marvel that His mercies truly are new every morning. I don't have to live in the shadow of my past failures.
My six-month-old son loves to be held. He will fall asleep contentedly in my arms, but awaken abruptly when I try to put him in his crib. He ALWAYS wants to be near his mama. He needs me. I NEED my Saviour. I want to rest in His arms and never leave that peace and comfort. I want to ALWAYS abide in Him. The great news? He never tries to set me down. He never lets me "cry it out." He is ALWAYS there. He wraps His strong arms around me and won't let go, unless I leave them. Why would we ever leave that comfort?
Maybe you feel weary and burnt out. Maybe you are overwhelmed with life. Let me tell you, I can't do it. I can't be the mother I'm supposed to be. I can't be the example, the nurturer, the housekeeper, the teacher, and the list goes on. But, He can. And I'm going to be doing a lot more resting in His arms instead of trying to figure it out on my own. Overwhelmed? I will not let my circumstances overwhelm me. The love of my Saviour floods my heart. Yes, I'm overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with Him.
Overwhelmed. That is the word that would best describe me at the moment. Life is always crazy, but this past week has been especially overwhelming. If I were swimming in the ocean, my head would just barely be rising above the water as I anxiously search for the next wave. No real explanation is needed. I am a wife, a homemaker, and mother to four small children. It's easy to feel the stresses of life pressing in on you when you realize the full weight of all of your responsibilities. I won't bother with listing all the details. That would just serve to make me depressed as I realize the laundry is still calling my name, the dishes are piled high, and the "to-do list" just keeps growing.
I really want to concentrate on a different kind of "overwhelmed." I'm overwhelmed with my Saviour. It's so easy for Satan to remind me where I'm falling short. The evidences are all around me (hence the laundry, the dishes, etc.). Yet, Christ reminds me that I will ALWAYS fall short. Our pastor in Wisconsin used to say, "You can't, but He can." I think that is hard for anyone, but especially women. We like to do it all. After all, we are the queens of multitasking. But, we can't. When my head is spinning, I need to take a moment and say, "I can't, but You can."
So, right now, I'm overwhelmed. I'm overwhelmed that my Saviour loves me even though I mess up Every. Single. Day. I'm overwhelmed that He entrusted me with this amazing family. I don't deserve these children. They are on loan to me from my Heavenly Father. He knows that through His strength and guidance, I can mother them the way they need to be mothered. I still have a hard time truly believing that I am a worthy mother for them, but I'm working on it. I'm overwhelmed that every day that I put something else above Him, He still gives me a second chance, and a third chance, and a 557th chance. I often marvel that His mercies truly are new every morning. I don't have to live in the shadow of my past failures.
My six-month-old son loves to be held. He will fall asleep contentedly in my arms, but awaken abruptly when I try to put him in his crib. He ALWAYS wants to be near his mama. He needs me. I NEED my Saviour. I want to rest in His arms and never leave that peace and comfort. I want to ALWAYS abide in Him. The great news? He never tries to set me down. He never lets me "cry it out." He is ALWAYS there. He wraps His strong arms around me and won't let go, unless I leave them. Why would we ever leave that comfort?
Maybe you feel weary and burnt out. Maybe you are overwhelmed with life. Let me tell you, I can't do it. I can't be the mother I'm supposed to be. I can't be the example, the nurturer, the housekeeper, the teacher, and the list goes on. But, He can. And I'm going to be doing a lot more resting in His arms instead of trying to figure it out on my own. Overwhelmed? I will not let my circumstances overwhelm me. The love of my Saviour floods my heart. Yes, I'm overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with Him.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Think on these things
It started as a relatively normal morning. Actually, it was a fairly exceptional morning. I awoke before the rest of the family, fed the baby, got ready for church, fed the rest of the family, and then bathed all four children before leaving the house shortly after 9 a.m. I was actually quite impressed with how "together" I was. But then, I began to have some nagging feelings. Feelings of homesickness. Feelings of inadequacy. By the time Sunday School was half over, I had convinced myself that no one liked me, everyone thought I was the world's worst mother, and my family was a huge burden to all those I met. Furthermore, I was sick of being the new person.
The feelings progressively grew stronger and I continued to wallow in my miserable self-pity. Once I returned home, I could no longer control the tears which flowed freely. Jeff graciously played with the girls while I sobbed, prayed, and carried on with my household chores. While chopping onions, I suddenly realized why I was so upset. I believe that Satan knows where to attack us. He preys on us where we are vulnerable and where we want control. Isn't that what he's all about, anyways? From the very beginning, he tempted Eve with control -- the ability to know it all, to have it all together, and to be "like God." For years, he attacked me with the control of an eating disorder. Now that he knows that God has given me victory over that, he has turned to something else. He knows that he can hurt me and hinder the effectiveness of my testimony through the one thing which I truly cannot have complete control -- the behavior of my children. I'm not saying that I have absolutely no control over my children. I don't let them run wild through the town and I keep the matches up so they don't set themselves on fire; but I can't always predict what they are going to do. Inevitably, the baby is going to start fussing in the middle of a prayer, the toddler is going to spill something, and one of the preschoolers will loudly ask "who stinks?" during a lull in conversation. I generally try not to let these things bother me too much. I do, after all, have four very young children. At any given moment, one of them is bound to be cranky, tired, unhappy, hungry, wet, hurt, or whiny.
My goal this year has been to take heed to Philippians 4:8. "Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things." You see, if I set my mind on these things, the thoughts of inadequacy and loneliness fade away. God doesn't set us up for failure. He loves me far more than I can even love myself, and He knew that with His strength to carry me through each and every boo boo and argument, I can care for these four beautiful children He has entrusted to me for a little while.
So today, after lots of tears, and lots of encouragement from my husband, my sister, and my mother (yes, I need a support team), I determined to once again hold my head high. I am not a failure. I am loved. My children have a mother who loves God and who wants to honor Him. Sure, I'll probably lose my patience with them tomorrow, and I'll probably hear the lies of Satan whisper when I do, but I'm determined to outdrown those lies with the truths of Scripture. And let me tell you, Satan's lies are far from true, honest, just, pure, lovely, or of good report. I don't know about you, but I would rather not think on those things.
The feelings progressively grew stronger and I continued to wallow in my miserable self-pity. Once I returned home, I could no longer control the tears which flowed freely. Jeff graciously played with the girls while I sobbed, prayed, and carried on with my household chores. While chopping onions, I suddenly realized why I was so upset. I believe that Satan knows where to attack us. He preys on us where we are vulnerable and where we want control. Isn't that what he's all about, anyways? From the very beginning, he tempted Eve with control -- the ability to know it all, to have it all together, and to be "like God." For years, he attacked me with the control of an eating disorder. Now that he knows that God has given me victory over that, he has turned to something else. He knows that he can hurt me and hinder the effectiveness of my testimony through the one thing which I truly cannot have complete control -- the behavior of my children. I'm not saying that I have absolutely no control over my children. I don't let them run wild through the town and I keep the matches up so they don't set themselves on fire; but I can't always predict what they are going to do. Inevitably, the baby is going to start fussing in the middle of a prayer, the toddler is going to spill something, and one of the preschoolers will loudly ask "who stinks?" during a lull in conversation. I generally try not to let these things bother me too much. I do, after all, have four very young children. At any given moment, one of them is bound to be cranky, tired, unhappy, hungry, wet, hurt, or whiny.
My goal this year has been to take heed to Philippians 4:8. "Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things." You see, if I set my mind on these things, the thoughts of inadequacy and loneliness fade away. God doesn't set us up for failure. He loves me far more than I can even love myself, and He knew that with His strength to carry me through each and every boo boo and argument, I can care for these four beautiful children He has entrusted to me for a little while.
So today, after lots of tears, and lots of encouragement from my husband, my sister, and my mother (yes, I need a support team), I determined to once again hold my head high. I am not a failure. I am loved. My children have a mother who loves God and who wants to honor Him. Sure, I'll probably lose my patience with them tomorrow, and I'll probably hear the lies of Satan whisper when I do, but I'm determined to outdrown those lies with the truths of Scripture. And let me tell you, Satan's lies are far from true, honest, just, pure, lovely, or of good report. I don't know about you, but I would rather not think on those things.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Eternal Living in a Temporal World
I've been waiting a long time to write this post -- almost a year now, in fact. There have been many times that I considered writing, but then decided that I should wait until things were more perfect and my life was more settled. I have since concluded that such a day will never happen, so here is the raw story from my heart -- a story I've needed to share for a while.
For months, Jeff and I prayed for direction. We were fairly settled in Ohio, but felt God stirring us to head east. After months of prayer and job searching, nothing happened. We still felt God moving us east, but there were no jobs to be found. All prospects led to disappointing dead ends. We finally decided to take a leap of faith. It wasn't the first time we made such a bold move, and I'm sure it won't be the last. By this point, I was pregnant with our fourth child, and God was clearly telling us it was time to move. Jeff gave his notice at work and we started packing. Jeff's company in Ohio then offered him an opportunity to work remotely. In essence, he would still be able to work for them, but we could live in NH. I praised God for this huge answer to prayer. But then, on Jeff's last day of work, his boss told him that the deal was off. I remember driving to the lake in St. Mary's, sobbing, crying out to God. Why would He allow this? Our one hope was snatched away from us two days before we were scheduled to move. Then, on the day of the move, through what some would call a good coincidence, but what I believe was God's divine providence, Jeff's boss called him and said the company was desperate for Jeff's help and perhaps they could work something out. To make a long story short, Jeff started his own company working out of my parents' basement as a consultant. However, it soon became clear that this could not be a permanent solution. His new job took him away from us for weeks at a time, and the lack of a routine was not benefiting the girls. We were greatly blessed by the opportunity to stay with my parents, and they were a huge help during my last months of pregnancy. I can't imagine spending those days and weeks alone. God definitely had a reason for that time there. Once again, we thought we had things figured out, and made plans to find a home in NH, but doors kept slamming shut. They weren't just closing -- they were slamming!
Finally, the Lord provided a job in Bangor, Maine, about 3 hours away from my family. I could write a novel of the many ways God clearly made His will known in the unsettled days leading up to our move. I don't always understand why certain things happen, but when I look back, I can see His hand and know for certain that His ways are most definitely higher than mine. I would have done things a whole lot differently if I had my way months ago. I am so glad that I followed His way instead of my own.
And that leads me to my most important point. As a young girl, I asked Jesus to be Lord of my life. It's not just that I believed in God. Lots of people, even Satan, believe in God. It's not just that I believed the Christmas story. A lot of people still believe that. But, I invited Him into my heart, making Him the center of my life. I'm sure, as a child, I had no idea of the crazy road of life I would travel and how I would need Him to direct every single step. But today, I am positive that I would not be able to survive in this crazy world without Him. There can be no other explanation for how everything fell into place surrounding our move to Maine and the birth of our son. In the month before the move, Jeff was once again away from the family, living in a motel. We weren't happy about the arrangements, but it was during that time that Jeff was able to connect with Bangor Baptist Church, a source of huge blessing to us during this period of transition. The people there were willing to help complete strangers. Not only did they find a doctor for me when no one would take me at 39 weeks pregnant, they watched our girls when I went into labor, they helped unpack our house, they helped with doctor appointments, and they provided meals and lots of encouragement. Having a relationship with Jesus doesn't mean that things will be perfect or even easy in this temporal world. Instead, we should be focused on the eternal and know that He is always in control. No matter how crazy my life may seem here, I pray that, through it all, I can let Jesus shine through me, giving glory to my heavenly Father. It is because of Him that I can have true peace despite the earthly uncertainties.
Within a span of three days, we moved and had a baby. While I was thinking that these were not ideal circumstances, I was reminded of how my Saviour was born 2000 years ago. When I look at the precious face of my newborn son, I think of how Mary must have felt gazing upon baby Jesus, the Kind of kings and Lord of lords. And then I think of how perfectly God loves us, His sinful children, that He would send that precious Baby to die for us. It's a love that we humans cannot fully understand, but we completely reap the benefits when we fully surrender to Him.
I don't know what the future holds, but I know Who holds my future. Isn't that what really matters?
For months, Jeff and I prayed for direction. We were fairly settled in Ohio, but felt God stirring us to head east. After months of prayer and job searching, nothing happened. We still felt God moving us east, but there were no jobs to be found. All prospects led to disappointing dead ends. We finally decided to take a leap of faith. It wasn't the first time we made such a bold move, and I'm sure it won't be the last. By this point, I was pregnant with our fourth child, and God was clearly telling us it was time to move. Jeff gave his notice at work and we started packing. Jeff's company in Ohio then offered him an opportunity to work remotely. In essence, he would still be able to work for them, but we could live in NH. I praised God for this huge answer to prayer. But then, on Jeff's last day of work, his boss told him that the deal was off. I remember driving to the lake in St. Mary's, sobbing, crying out to God. Why would He allow this? Our one hope was snatched away from us two days before we were scheduled to move. Then, on the day of the move, through what some would call a good coincidence, but what I believe was God's divine providence, Jeff's boss called him and said the company was desperate for Jeff's help and perhaps they could work something out. To make a long story short, Jeff started his own company working out of my parents' basement as a consultant. However, it soon became clear that this could not be a permanent solution. His new job took him away from us for weeks at a time, and the lack of a routine was not benefiting the girls. We were greatly blessed by the opportunity to stay with my parents, and they were a huge help during my last months of pregnancy. I can't imagine spending those days and weeks alone. God definitely had a reason for that time there. Once again, we thought we had things figured out, and made plans to find a home in NH, but doors kept slamming shut. They weren't just closing -- they were slamming!
Finally, the Lord provided a job in Bangor, Maine, about 3 hours away from my family. I could write a novel of the many ways God clearly made His will known in the unsettled days leading up to our move. I don't always understand why certain things happen, but when I look back, I can see His hand and know for certain that His ways are most definitely higher than mine. I would have done things a whole lot differently if I had my way months ago. I am so glad that I followed His way instead of my own.
And that leads me to my most important point. As a young girl, I asked Jesus to be Lord of my life. It's not just that I believed in God. Lots of people, even Satan, believe in God. It's not just that I believed the Christmas story. A lot of people still believe that. But, I invited Him into my heart, making Him the center of my life. I'm sure, as a child, I had no idea of the crazy road of life I would travel and how I would need Him to direct every single step. But today, I am positive that I would not be able to survive in this crazy world without Him. There can be no other explanation for how everything fell into place surrounding our move to Maine and the birth of our son. In the month before the move, Jeff was once again away from the family, living in a motel. We weren't happy about the arrangements, but it was during that time that Jeff was able to connect with Bangor Baptist Church, a source of huge blessing to us during this period of transition. The people there were willing to help complete strangers. Not only did they find a doctor for me when no one would take me at 39 weeks pregnant, they watched our girls when I went into labor, they helped unpack our house, they helped with doctor appointments, and they provided meals and lots of encouragement. Having a relationship with Jesus doesn't mean that things will be perfect or even easy in this temporal world. Instead, we should be focused on the eternal and know that He is always in control. No matter how crazy my life may seem here, I pray that, through it all, I can let Jesus shine through me, giving glory to my heavenly Father. It is because of Him that I can have true peace despite the earthly uncertainties.
Within a span of three days, we moved and had a baby. While I was thinking that these were not ideal circumstances, I was reminded of how my Saviour was born 2000 years ago. When I look at the precious face of my newborn son, I think of how Mary must have felt gazing upon baby Jesus, the Kind of kings and Lord of lords. And then I think of how perfectly God loves us, His sinful children, that He would send that precious Baby to die for us. It's a love that we humans cannot fully understand, but we completely reap the benefits when we fully surrender to Him.
I don't know what the future holds, but I know Who holds my future. Isn't that what really matters?
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Pursuing Perfect Peace
Things have been a bit unsettled in the Lemke household for the past few months. We've been praying about where God wants us right now, and whether or not it is time to move. Everything has seemed to point to moving back out to New Hampshire. It is no secret that I would love to be near my family, and that feeling all alone in the Midwest lost its charm a long time ago. But, I know that if God wants me here, I will make the best of it -- which is how I've behaved in the past two years that we've lived in Ohio. I have tried to get out of the house as much as possible with three small children, and I must say that we've done okay. I've learned a lot, and I know without a doubt that there really is no other friend like Jesus. When the rest of my world is rocky, He is my constant companion, always willing to lend a shoulder to a weary daughter.
In December, Jeff had a promising interview with a company in NH. We excitedly prayed and waited. We received more signs that, yes, this was going to happen. Things were pointing us east. I cleaned out the deep freezer and used up almost all of the food in the pantry. Every day, I checked Jeff's e-mail and asked if he received any phone calls. I kept excitedly planning my next Facebook status: "God is good." "Early Christmas present." "Great way to start the new year." "Answered prayer." And then, after waiting for almost two months, the opportunity fell through, and I felt like we were starting over again. Disappointed, we told ourselves that God has a different plan for us. But, it was really hard for my heart to truly believe that. I felt defeated. I was doing everything right -- right? I had placed it all in God's very capable hands, I didn't badger or plan or connive. I just trusted that it was all going to work out. But then, it didn't work out the way I planned. Hmm -- ironic, I guess. You see, it really was my plan. God led us down that path for a reason, but the reason was not for us to move right now. Jeff and I still believe that the Lord wants us to move east, but we know that it needs to be when He's ready.
So the other day, during a miraculous moment when all 3 girls were napping (a true rarity in this house), I kneeled beside my bed asking my Father for peace. I don't understand. I don't like the unsettled feeling that I have, not knowing if I'm moving next month or next year. There are several other major issues which have been plaguing us; but I know we need to just lay them at the feet of our Creator. But I keep telling myself that I have done this. I'm constantly talking to God, affirming that it's all in His hands. That is why I'm praying for peace -- the peace that can calm the fiercest storm, ease a child's troubled dreams, and quiet the spirits of a young couple seeking the next step for their family. I've always known that my future is in His hands, and I've always willingly given it over to Him. But, my most urgent prayer now is that He will wash us in the calming peace that only He can provide, as we patiently wait for His next instructions.
In December, Jeff had a promising interview with a company in NH. We excitedly prayed and waited. We received more signs that, yes, this was going to happen. Things were pointing us east. I cleaned out the deep freezer and used up almost all of the food in the pantry. Every day, I checked Jeff's e-mail and asked if he received any phone calls. I kept excitedly planning my next Facebook status: "God is good." "Early Christmas present." "Great way to start the new year." "Answered prayer." And then, after waiting for almost two months, the opportunity fell through, and I felt like we were starting over again. Disappointed, we told ourselves that God has a different plan for us. But, it was really hard for my heart to truly believe that. I felt defeated. I was doing everything right -- right? I had placed it all in God's very capable hands, I didn't badger or plan or connive. I just trusted that it was all going to work out. But then, it didn't work out the way I planned. Hmm -- ironic, I guess. You see, it really was my plan. God led us down that path for a reason, but the reason was not for us to move right now. Jeff and I still believe that the Lord wants us to move east, but we know that it needs to be when He's ready.
So the other day, during a miraculous moment when all 3 girls were napping (a true rarity in this house), I kneeled beside my bed asking my Father for peace. I don't understand. I don't like the unsettled feeling that I have, not knowing if I'm moving next month or next year. There are several other major issues which have been plaguing us; but I know we need to just lay them at the feet of our Creator. But I keep telling myself that I have done this. I'm constantly talking to God, affirming that it's all in His hands. That is why I'm praying for peace -- the peace that can calm the fiercest storm, ease a child's troubled dreams, and quiet the spirits of a young couple seeking the next step for their family. I've always known that my future is in His hands, and I've always willingly given it over to Him. But, my most urgent prayer now is that He will wash us in the calming peace that only He can provide, as we patiently wait for His next instructions.
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