It started as a relatively normal morning. Actually, it was a fairly exceptional morning. I awoke before the rest of the family, fed the baby, got ready for church, fed the rest of the family, and then bathed all four children before leaving the house shortly after 9 a.m. I was actually quite impressed with how "together" I was. But then, I began to have some nagging feelings. Feelings of homesickness. Feelings of inadequacy. By the time Sunday School was half over, I had convinced myself that no one liked me, everyone thought I was the world's worst mother, and my family was a huge burden to all those I met. Furthermore, I was sick of being the new person.
The feelings progressively grew stronger and I continued to wallow in my miserable self-pity. Once I returned home, I could no longer control the tears which flowed freely. Jeff graciously played with the girls while I sobbed, prayed, and carried on with my household chores. While chopping onions, I suddenly realized why I was so upset. I believe that Satan knows where to attack us. He preys on us where we are vulnerable and where we want control. Isn't that what he's all about, anyways? From the very beginning, he tempted Eve with control -- the ability to know it all, to have it all together, and to be "like God." For years, he attacked me with the control of an eating disorder. Now that he knows that God has given me victory over that, he has turned to something else. He knows that he can hurt me and hinder the effectiveness of my testimony through the one thing which I truly cannot have complete control -- the behavior of my children. I'm not saying that I have absolutely no control over my children. I don't let them run wild through the town and I keep the matches up so they don't set themselves on fire; but I can't always predict what they are going to do. Inevitably, the baby is going to start fussing in the middle of a prayer, the toddler is going to spill something, and one of the preschoolers will loudly ask "who stinks?" during a lull in conversation. I generally try not to let these things bother me too much. I do, after all, have four very young children. At any given moment, one of them is bound to be cranky, tired, unhappy, hungry, wet, hurt, or whiny.
My goal this year has been to take heed to Philippians 4:8. "Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things." You see, if I set my mind on these things, the thoughts of inadequacy and loneliness fade away. God doesn't set us up for failure. He loves me far more than I can even love myself, and He knew that with His strength to carry me through each and every boo boo and argument, I can care for these four beautiful children He has entrusted to me for a little while.
So today, after lots of tears, and lots of encouragement from my husband, my sister, and my mother (yes, I need a support team), I determined to once again hold my head high. I am not a failure. I am loved. My children have a mother who loves God and who wants to honor Him. Sure, I'll probably lose my patience with them tomorrow, and I'll probably hear the lies of Satan whisper when I do, but I'm determined to outdrown those lies with the truths of Scripture. And let me tell you, Satan's lies are far from true, honest, just, pure, lovely, or of good report. I don't know about you, but I would rather not think on those things.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Eternal Living in a Temporal World
I've been waiting a long time to write this post -- almost a year now, in fact. There have been many times that I considered writing, but then decided that I should wait until things were more perfect and my life was more settled. I have since concluded that such a day will never happen, so here is the raw story from my heart -- a story I've needed to share for a while.
For months, Jeff and I prayed for direction. We were fairly settled in Ohio, but felt God stirring us to head east. After months of prayer and job searching, nothing happened. We still felt God moving us east, but there were no jobs to be found. All prospects led to disappointing dead ends. We finally decided to take a leap of faith. It wasn't the first time we made such a bold move, and I'm sure it won't be the last. By this point, I was pregnant with our fourth child, and God was clearly telling us it was time to move. Jeff gave his notice at work and we started packing. Jeff's company in Ohio then offered him an opportunity to work remotely. In essence, he would still be able to work for them, but we could live in NH. I praised God for this huge answer to prayer. But then, on Jeff's last day of work, his boss told him that the deal was off. I remember driving to the lake in St. Mary's, sobbing, crying out to God. Why would He allow this? Our one hope was snatched away from us two days before we were scheduled to move. Then, on the day of the move, through what some would call a good coincidence, but what I believe was God's divine providence, Jeff's boss called him and said the company was desperate for Jeff's help and perhaps they could work something out. To make a long story short, Jeff started his own company working out of my parents' basement as a consultant. However, it soon became clear that this could not be a permanent solution. His new job took him away from us for weeks at a time, and the lack of a routine was not benefiting the girls. We were greatly blessed by the opportunity to stay with my parents, and they were a huge help during my last months of pregnancy. I can't imagine spending those days and weeks alone. God definitely had a reason for that time there. Once again, we thought we had things figured out, and made plans to find a home in NH, but doors kept slamming shut. They weren't just closing -- they were slamming!
Finally, the Lord provided a job in Bangor, Maine, about 3 hours away from my family. I could write a novel of the many ways God clearly made His will known in the unsettled days leading up to our move. I don't always understand why certain things happen, but when I look back, I can see His hand and know for certain that His ways are most definitely higher than mine. I would have done things a whole lot differently if I had my way months ago. I am so glad that I followed His way instead of my own.
And that leads me to my most important point. As a young girl, I asked Jesus to be Lord of my life. It's not just that I believed in God. Lots of people, even Satan, believe in God. It's not just that I believed the Christmas story. A lot of people still believe that. But, I invited Him into my heart, making Him the center of my life. I'm sure, as a child, I had no idea of the crazy road of life I would travel and how I would need Him to direct every single step. But today, I am positive that I would not be able to survive in this crazy world without Him. There can be no other explanation for how everything fell into place surrounding our move to Maine and the birth of our son. In the month before the move, Jeff was once again away from the family, living in a motel. We weren't happy about the arrangements, but it was during that time that Jeff was able to connect with Bangor Baptist Church, a source of huge blessing to us during this period of transition. The people there were willing to help complete strangers. Not only did they find a doctor for me when no one would take me at 39 weeks pregnant, they watched our girls when I went into labor, they helped unpack our house, they helped with doctor appointments, and they provided meals and lots of encouragement. Having a relationship with Jesus doesn't mean that things will be perfect or even easy in this temporal world. Instead, we should be focused on the eternal and know that He is always in control. No matter how crazy my life may seem here, I pray that, through it all, I can let Jesus shine through me, giving glory to my heavenly Father. It is because of Him that I can have true peace despite the earthly uncertainties.
Within a span of three days, we moved and had a baby. While I was thinking that these were not ideal circumstances, I was reminded of how my Saviour was born 2000 years ago. When I look at the precious face of my newborn son, I think of how Mary must have felt gazing upon baby Jesus, the Kind of kings and Lord of lords. And then I think of how perfectly God loves us, His sinful children, that He would send that precious Baby to die for us. It's a love that we humans cannot fully understand, but we completely reap the benefits when we fully surrender to Him.
I don't know what the future holds, but I know Who holds my future. Isn't that what really matters?
For months, Jeff and I prayed for direction. We were fairly settled in Ohio, but felt God stirring us to head east. After months of prayer and job searching, nothing happened. We still felt God moving us east, but there were no jobs to be found. All prospects led to disappointing dead ends. We finally decided to take a leap of faith. It wasn't the first time we made such a bold move, and I'm sure it won't be the last. By this point, I was pregnant with our fourth child, and God was clearly telling us it was time to move. Jeff gave his notice at work and we started packing. Jeff's company in Ohio then offered him an opportunity to work remotely. In essence, he would still be able to work for them, but we could live in NH. I praised God for this huge answer to prayer. But then, on Jeff's last day of work, his boss told him that the deal was off. I remember driving to the lake in St. Mary's, sobbing, crying out to God. Why would He allow this? Our one hope was snatched away from us two days before we were scheduled to move. Then, on the day of the move, through what some would call a good coincidence, but what I believe was God's divine providence, Jeff's boss called him and said the company was desperate for Jeff's help and perhaps they could work something out. To make a long story short, Jeff started his own company working out of my parents' basement as a consultant. However, it soon became clear that this could not be a permanent solution. His new job took him away from us for weeks at a time, and the lack of a routine was not benefiting the girls. We were greatly blessed by the opportunity to stay with my parents, and they were a huge help during my last months of pregnancy. I can't imagine spending those days and weeks alone. God definitely had a reason for that time there. Once again, we thought we had things figured out, and made plans to find a home in NH, but doors kept slamming shut. They weren't just closing -- they were slamming!
Finally, the Lord provided a job in Bangor, Maine, about 3 hours away from my family. I could write a novel of the many ways God clearly made His will known in the unsettled days leading up to our move. I don't always understand why certain things happen, but when I look back, I can see His hand and know for certain that His ways are most definitely higher than mine. I would have done things a whole lot differently if I had my way months ago. I am so glad that I followed His way instead of my own.
And that leads me to my most important point. As a young girl, I asked Jesus to be Lord of my life. It's not just that I believed in God. Lots of people, even Satan, believe in God. It's not just that I believed the Christmas story. A lot of people still believe that. But, I invited Him into my heart, making Him the center of my life. I'm sure, as a child, I had no idea of the crazy road of life I would travel and how I would need Him to direct every single step. But today, I am positive that I would not be able to survive in this crazy world without Him. There can be no other explanation for how everything fell into place surrounding our move to Maine and the birth of our son. In the month before the move, Jeff was once again away from the family, living in a motel. We weren't happy about the arrangements, but it was during that time that Jeff was able to connect with Bangor Baptist Church, a source of huge blessing to us during this period of transition. The people there were willing to help complete strangers. Not only did they find a doctor for me when no one would take me at 39 weeks pregnant, they watched our girls when I went into labor, they helped unpack our house, they helped with doctor appointments, and they provided meals and lots of encouragement. Having a relationship with Jesus doesn't mean that things will be perfect or even easy in this temporal world. Instead, we should be focused on the eternal and know that He is always in control. No matter how crazy my life may seem here, I pray that, through it all, I can let Jesus shine through me, giving glory to my heavenly Father. It is because of Him that I can have true peace despite the earthly uncertainties.
Within a span of three days, we moved and had a baby. While I was thinking that these were not ideal circumstances, I was reminded of how my Saviour was born 2000 years ago. When I look at the precious face of my newborn son, I think of how Mary must have felt gazing upon baby Jesus, the Kind of kings and Lord of lords. And then I think of how perfectly God loves us, His sinful children, that He would send that precious Baby to die for us. It's a love that we humans cannot fully understand, but we completely reap the benefits when we fully surrender to Him.
I don't know what the future holds, but I know Who holds my future. Isn't that what really matters?
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Pursuing Perfect Peace
Things have been a bit unsettled in the Lemke household for the past few months. We've been praying about where God wants us right now, and whether or not it is time to move. Everything has seemed to point to moving back out to New Hampshire. It is no secret that I would love to be near my family, and that feeling all alone in the Midwest lost its charm a long time ago. But, I know that if God wants me here, I will make the best of it -- which is how I've behaved in the past two years that we've lived in Ohio. I have tried to get out of the house as much as possible with three small children, and I must say that we've done okay. I've learned a lot, and I know without a doubt that there really is no other friend like Jesus. When the rest of my world is rocky, He is my constant companion, always willing to lend a shoulder to a weary daughter.
In December, Jeff had a promising interview with a company in NH. We excitedly prayed and waited. We received more signs that, yes, this was going to happen. Things were pointing us east. I cleaned out the deep freezer and used up almost all of the food in the pantry. Every day, I checked Jeff's e-mail and asked if he received any phone calls. I kept excitedly planning my next Facebook status: "God is good." "Early Christmas present." "Great way to start the new year." "Answered prayer." And then, after waiting for almost two months, the opportunity fell through, and I felt like we were starting over again. Disappointed, we told ourselves that God has a different plan for us. But, it was really hard for my heart to truly believe that. I felt defeated. I was doing everything right -- right? I had placed it all in God's very capable hands, I didn't badger or plan or connive. I just trusted that it was all going to work out. But then, it didn't work out the way I planned. Hmm -- ironic, I guess. You see, it really was my plan. God led us down that path for a reason, but the reason was not for us to move right now. Jeff and I still believe that the Lord wants us to move east, but we know that it needs to be when He's ready.
So the other day, during a miraculous moment when all 3 girls were napping (a true rarity in this house), I kneeled beside my bed asking my Father for peace. I don't understand. I don't like the unsettled feeling that I have, not knowing if I'm moving next month or next year. There are several other major issues which have been plaguing us; but I know we need to just lay them at the feet of our Creator. But I keep telling myself that I have done this. I'm constantly talking to God, affirming that it's all in His hands. That is why I'm praying for peace -- the peace that can calm the fiercest storm, ease a child's troubled dreams, and quiet the spirits of a young couple seeking the next step for their family. I've always known that my future is in His hands, and I've always willingly given it over to Him. But, my most urgent prayer now is that He will wash us in the calming peace that only He can provide, as we patiently wait for His next instructions.
In December, Jeff had a promising interview with a company in NH. We excitedly prayed and waited. We received more signs that, yes, this was going to happen. Things were pointing us east. I cleaned out the deep freezer and used up almost all of the food in the pantry. Every day, I checked Jeff's e-mail and asked if he received any phone calls. I kept excitedly planning my next Facebook status: "God is good." "Early Christmas present." "Great way to start the new year." "Answered prayer." And then, after waiting for almost two months, the opportunity fell through, and I felt like we were starting over again. Disappointed, we told ourselves that God has a different plan for us. But, it was really hard for my heart to truly believe that. I felt defeated. I was doing everything right -- right? I had placed it all in God's very capable hands, I didn't badger or plan or connive. I just trusted that it was all going to work out. But then, it didn't work out the way I planned. Hmm -- ironic, I guess. You see, it really was my plan. God led us down that path for a reason, but the reason was not for us to move right now. Jeff and I still believe that the Lord wants us to move east, but we know that it needs to be when He's ready.
So the other day, during a miraculous moment when all 3 girls were napping (a true rarity in this house), I kneeled beside my bed asking my Father for peace. I don't understand. I don't like the unsettled feeling that I have, not knowing if I'm moving next month or next year. There are several other major issues which have been plaguing us; but I know we need to just lay them at the feet of our Creator. But I keep telling myself that I have done this. I'm constantly talking to God, affirming that it's all in His hands. That is why I'm praying for peace -- the peace that can calm the fiercest storm, ease a child's troubled dreams, and quiet the spirits of a young couple seeking the next step for their family. I've always known that my future is in His hands, and I've always willingly given it over to Him. But, my most urgent prayer now is that He will wash us in the calming peace that only He can provide, as we patiently wait for His next instructions.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Disney Live comes to Dayton
http://www.domesticdebacle.com/2012/01/28/disneylivedayton/comment-page-1/#comment-5233
We are ready for a break in the Lemke household. The past few weeks have been difficult, and I've been begging Jeff for another Disney vacation. However, since it doesn't look like he'll be getting a significant amount of time off any time soon, I figure that this would be the next best thing. My three little princesses adore the Disney princesses, and dress up time is virtually constant in the Lemke house. Domestic Debacle is running another giveaway, this time for the show in Dayton. Since we are down in the area almost every weekend, it would be perfect for us. Here's hoping for some pixie dust!
We are ready for a break in the Lemke household. The past few weeks have been difficult, and I've been begging Jeff for another Disney vacation. However, since it doesn't look like he'll be getting a significant amount of time off any time soon, I figure that this would be the next best thing. My three little princesses adore the Disney princesses, and dress up time is virtually constant in the Lemke house. Domestic Debacle is running another giveaway, this time for the show in Dayton. Since we are down in the area almost every weekend, it would be perfect for us. Here's hoping for some pixie dust!
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Disney Live
I've been meaning to blog for awhile. There's been a lot going on in our lives lately, so I intend to devote some time to that soon. But, for now, I wanted to mention a contest that is going on over at Domestic Debacle. She is offering free tickets to see Disney Live down in Cincinnati. Since it is all about princesses, I know my 3 little princesses would be thrilled! We are all huge Disney fans, and it would give us a little bit of the magic here in Ohio. Check it out at http://www.domesticdebacle.com/2012/01/03/disneylivegiveaway/#more-2443
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Hold Me!
It's a fairly regular occurrence before I drift off to dreamland.
"Jeff," I'll whisper to my sleepy husband.
"Hmm," he'll grunt in response.
"Hold me."
With that, he flops his arm around me and I feel safe. Now, I can sleep.
Please don't misunderstand. I've always been the type to feel like I really don't need any other human being. I like to do things on my own, and pride myself in my independent spirit. Before meeting Jeff, I frequently wore a t-shirt which said, "Got my horse, Got my dog, Don't need no cowboy." That pretty much summed up my life. So, I know that I don't need the security of my husband's sleepy arm around me. But it sure feels nice sometimes.
My newest daily afternoon routine has involved buckling my three girls into the van and going for a ride to allow a much-needed nap for them and break for me. By the time I reach the lake, less than 15 minutes into my journey, they are usually all asleep. There I sit, listen to music, read magazines, and pray. The other day I found myself praying that God would put His arms around and hold each of my children, much as I ask Jeff to "hold me." More than anything, I need Him to hold me, hold my precious children, hold my husband. The enemy is tricky. He can be lurking where we least expect him, which is why I need my Father to hold us tightly and direct us in the ways He wants us to go. Despite my independence from others, I know with certainty that I am absolutely dependent on my Saviour.
Life is an ever-changing journey. Jeff and I have often mused how we never feel "settled." Ohio just doesn't seem like "home." But, what has felt like home? We've come to the conclusion that we'll never feel settled on this earth. We have a far more glorious home waiting for us. In the meantime, I can feel an amazing amount of peace in each moment of every day when I realize that my Father is holding me. He's sitting next to me when I'm at the lake, He's standing beside me as I'm folding laundry, and He's holding on to me when I just don't know where to turn.
"Lord, hold me."
"Jeff," I'll whisper to my sleepy husband.
"Hmm," he'll grunt in response.
"Hold me."
With that, he flops his arm around me and I feel safe. Now, I can sleep.
Please don't misunderstand. I've always been the type to feel like I really don't need any other human being. I like to do things on my own, and pride myself in my independent spirit. Before meeting Jeff, I frequently wore a t-shirt which said, "Got my horse, Got my dog, Don't need no cowboy." That pretty much summed up my life. So, I know that I don't need the security of my husband's sleepy arm around me. But it sure feels nice sometimes.
My newest daily afternoon routine has involved buckling my three girls into the van and going for a ride to allow a much-needed nap for them and break for me. By the time I reach the lake, less than 15 minutes into my journey, they are usually all asleep. There I sit, listen to music, read magazines, and pray. The other day I found myself praying that God would put His arms around and hold each of my children, much as I ask Jeff to "hold me." More than anything, I need Him to hold me, hold my precious children, hold my husband. The enemy is tricky. He can be lurking where we least expect him, which is why I need my Father to hold us tightly and direct us in the ways He wants us to go. Despite my independence from others, I know with certainty that I am absolutely dependent on my Saviour.
Life is an ever-changing journey. Jeff and I have often mused how we never feel "settled." Ohio just doesn't seem like "home." But, what has felt like home? We've come to the conclusion that we'll never feel settled on this earth. We have a far more glorious home waiting for us. In the meantime, I can feel an amazing amount of peace in each moment of every day when I realize that my Father is holding me. He's sitting next to me when I'm at the lake, He's standing beside me as I'm folding laundry, and He's holding on to me when I just don't know where to turn.
"Lord, hold me."
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