It's a fairly regular occurrence before I drift off to dreamland.
"Jeff," I'll whisper to my sleepy husband.
"Hmm," he'll grunt in response.
"Hold me."
With that, he flops his arm around me and I feel safe. Now, I can sleep.
Please don't misunderstand. I've always been the type to feel like I really don't need any other human being. I like to do things on my own, and pride myself in my independent spirit. Before meeting Jeff, I frequently wore a t-shirt which said, "Got my horse, Got my dog, Don't need no cowboy." That pretty much summed up my life. So, I know that I don't need the security of my husband's sleepy arm around me. But it sure feels nice sometimes.
My newest daily afternoon routine has involved buckling my three girls into the van and going for a ride to allow a much-needed nap for them and break for me. By the time I reach the lake, less than 15 minutes into my journey, they are usually all asleep. There I sit, listen to music, read magazines, and pray. The other day I found myself praying that God would put His arms around and hold each of my children, much as I ask Jeff to "hold me." More than anything, I need Him to hold me, hold my precious children, hold my husband. The enemy is tricky. He can be lurking where we least expect him, which is why I need my Father to hold us tightly and direct us in the ways He wants us to go. Despite my independence from others, I know with certainty that I am absolutely dependent on my Saviour.
Life is an ever-changing journey. Jeff and I have often mused how we never feel "settled." Ohio just doesn't seem like "home." But, what has felt like home? We've come to the conclusion that we'll never feel settled on this earth. We have a far more glorious home waiting for us. In the meantime, I can feel an amazing amount of peace in each moment of every day when I realize that my Father is holding me. He's sitting next to me when I'm at the lake, He's standing beside me as I'm folding laundry, and He's holding on to me when I just don't know where to turn.
"Lord, hold me."
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
Sweet Victory
At the beginning of the year, I told myself that I would do better about keeping up with my writing. I love getting my words out in this format, but things just sometimes get in the way. We had some more illnesses, and then I had some struggles of my own. I didn't feel worthy to write, and I decided that I needed to get better control of my life before I started writing again. And then, the obvious occurred to me. I can never and will never be "perfect" enough. I don't have to "have it all together" and make a profound statement in everything I write.
Recently, I started to once again listen to the lies that I'm not good enough, not pretty enough, not supermom enough. I'm sure we all have those kinds of days, but the key is to "snap out of" that mindset. Sometimes, that's not easy -- especially when you try to do it on your own.
For more than half of my life, I have dealt with an eating disorder. I never thought recovery was possible. I knew that God could do great things -- after all, He's God. But, I didn't think I would ever be healed. I never fully believed, and I never fully committed it to Him -- until I finally sought and accepted help. I had been told countless times to just surrender it to Him, but that is easier said than done when Satan is working on the side of the eating disorder, whispering lies whenever he has a chance. Three years ago, I fully embraced my recovery journey, and my relationship with food and my body changed in a way I never imagined possible. When you have been trapped in such a battle, freedom feels very liberating. But, there are always the occassional difficulties. Every once in a while, those sinister whispers return in a desperate attempt to once again convince me of the lies.
In those moments when I feel that I'm not good enough, that is when I must remember that HE IS good enough. When I feel that I am not pretty enough, I need to remember that HE doesn't create ugliness. Satan does. And since I am a child of God, HE made me beautiful. When I feel like I can't possibly be the supermom I need to be to my little girls, I need to tell myself that HE gives the strength and wisdom and discernment I need to be the kind of mommy that my children need. I may not be enough -- but with Him, I have all I need. And only He can give me the victory. Recovery from an eating disorder doesn't just happen in a day. I don't know of anyone who was anorexic one day and perfectly fine the next. It takes a conscious effort each and every day. It takes a determination to have victory each day over the illness. In the same way, we all, if we are honest, need to make a conscious decision each day to allow Christ to have the victory in our lives for that day. Otherwise, Satan is roaming free -- and his lies are tempting. Let's remember Whose power is greater, Whose words are always true, and Whose victory is sweeter.
Recently, I started to once again listen to the lies that I'm not good enough, not pretty enough, not supermom enough. I'm sure we all have those kinds of days, but the key is to "snap out of" that mindset. Sometimes, that's not easy -- especially when you try to do it on your own.
For more than half of my life, I have dealt with an eating disorder. I never thought recovery was possible. I knew that God could do great things -- after all, He's God. But, I didn't think I would ever be healed. I never fully believed, and I never fully committed it to Him -- until I finally sought and accepted help. I had been told countless times to just surrender it to Him, but that is easier said than done when Satan is working on the side of the eating disorder, whispering lies whenever he has a chance. Three years ago, I fully embraced my recovery journey, and my relationship with food and my body changed in a way I never imagined possible. When you have been trapped in such a battle, freedom feels very liberating. But, there are always the occassional difficulties. Every once in a while, those sinister whispers return in a desperate attempt to once again convince me of the lies.
In those moments when I feel that I'm not good enough, that is when I must remember that HE IS good enough. When I feel that I am not pretty enough, I need to remember that HE doesn't create ugliness. Satan does. And since I am a child of God, HE made me beautiful. When I feel like I can't possibly be the supermom I need to be to my little girls, I need to tell myself that HE gives the strength and wisdom and discernment I need to be the kind of mommy that my children need. I may not be enough -- but with Him, I have all I need. And only He can give me the victory. Recovery from an eating disorder doesn't just happen in a day. I don't know of anyone who was anorexic one day and perfectly fine the next. It takes a conscious effort each and every day. It takes a determination to have victory each day over the illness. In the same way, we all, if we are honest, need to make a conscious decision each day to allow Christ to have the victory in our lives for that day. Otherwise, Satan is roaming free -- and his lies are tempting. Let's remember Whose power is greater, Whose words are always true, and Whose victory is sweeter.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Give it a Rest!
Yesterday morning, after putting the girls on the bus for school, I tried to turn my attention to some things I needed to accomplish around the house. I like to take advantage of the few hours each week when I only have one child to watch, so I can get some housework done. However, Patience was not fully cooperating. I knew my time was limited anyways, since I had to take her to the pediatrician's office for a vaccine, so I was becoming quite annoyed that the baby wanted my attention. Didn't she see the pile of laundry that needed to be folded? What was her problem? She had been changed and fed; and there were piles of toys surrounding her, waiting to be played with or chewed on. But nothing satisfied her. She wanted Mommy, and Mommy just needed to stop and hold her.
I started thinking about how often all three of my children cry for my attention. Often, their needs seem trite to me. Grace took a book away from Hope. Hope threw a toy at Patience. Patience pulled Grace's hair. Many times, I don't even know why they are upset. But the reasons are valid to them, and they need their Mommy to give them comfort and understanding. I wonder how many times we do this to our heavenly Father. I know I am often guilty. So and so never calls me. Why don't I have any friends? Why can't we eat a meal without some sort of meltdown? As pathetic as each of my cries may be, He patiently hears me and gently gives me the comfort that only He can provide.
In my motherhood journey, I quickly learned that a lack of sleep usually results in very cranky children and those seemingly trite complaints become magnified. It always baffles me that my girls fight sleep so much. Who wouldn't want to sleep? I love sleep and would give anything to just be able to set everything aside to sleep for a few hours in the middle of every day. I wonder if the Lord wonders the same thing about me. Why doesn't Mary just stop and rest in Me? Why is she fighting My calm? Her world would not seem so chaotic and futile to her if she just laid all of her cares at My feet each day, before the troubles overtake her and she feels like she just can't go on.
So, amidst caring for a fussy baby, I learned an important lesson. Just as Mommy can make things better when things are out of control for the girls, my Heavenly Father can put the pieces back together when my world is spinning. If Grace, Hope, and Patience would just listen to Mommy and take a nap everyday, they wouldn't be cranky and miserable halfway through the day. If Mommy would just listen to the Lord, she would know enough to rest in Him and let His strength carry her through the day. Slowly but surely, I'm learning; and wow, what a difference it makes!
I started thinking about how often all three of my children cry for my attention. Often, their needs seem trite to me. Grace took a book away from Hope. Hope threw a toy at Patience. Patience pulled Grace's hair. Many times, I don't even know why they are upset. But the reasons are valid to them, and they need their Mommy to give them comfort and understanding. I wonder how many times we do this to our heavenly Father. I know I am often guilty. So and so never calls me. Why don't I have any friends? Why can't we eat a meal without some sort of meltdown? As pathetic as each of my cries may be, He patiently hears me and gently gives me the comfort that only He can provide.
In my motherhood journey, I quickly learned that a lack of sleep usually results in very cranky children and those seemingly trite complaints become magnified. It always baffles me that my girls fight sleep so much. Who wouldn't want to sleep? I love sleep and would give anything to just be able to set everything aside to sleep for a few hours in the middle of every day. I wonder if the Lord wonders the same thing about me. Why doesn't Mary just stop and rest in Me? Why is she fighting My calm? Her world would not seem so chaotic and futile to her if she just laid all of her cares at My feet each day, before the troubles overtake her and she feels like she just can't go on.
So, amidst caring for a fussy baby, I learned an important lesson. Just as Mommy can make things better when things are out of control for the girls, my Heavenly Father can put the pieces back together when my world is spinning. If Grace, Hope, and Patience would just listen to Mommy and take a nap everyday, they wouldn't be cranky and miserable halfway through the day. If Mommy would just listen to the Lord, she would know enough to rest in Him and let His strength carry her through the day. Slowly but surely, I'm learning; and wow, what a difference it makes!
Friday, January 21, 2011
Nurse turned Mommy
Just a few short years ago, I was working crazy 12 hour night shifts in an intensive care unit. I dealt with cranky doctors, feisty patients, and more lines and tubes than most people would care to think of. But I knew where each line started and ended, what medications were being infused, and what the physician should have ordered before he left for the night. High-stress? Maybe. Frustrating? Sometimes. Messy? Always. Rewarding? Occasionally.
Fast forward several years to my current life as a stay at home mother to three children under the age of three. Wow. If only I knew how easy I had it back then! I actually say that in the nicest way. I love my children more than words can describe, but sometimes I just can't believe how difficult motherhood is, and how often I feel like I have failed in some way.
When I worked as an RN, I felt confident. I would pride myself in my ability to stay calm and handle every situation methodically. As a mother, well, that's a different story! I am still calm and methodical, but sometimes I don't feel so confident in my mothering skills.
This month, I started my new resolution of spending time each day with the Lord, no matter how hectic life became. I cannot even begin to describe how different my days have been since doing this. Most days, I spend my "quiet time" in the morning. Each day is still crazy and chaotic, but life has seemed brighter to me. I'm reaching out in new ways, and slowly bidding farewell to pessimism. I know that all I can do is take one moment at a time by God's great grace. He gives me the strength to handle the many crises which pop up each day. Just when I think I'm doing a good job, something happens to humble me and realize that it is not me, but Him. I have a renewed excitement for the future and the potential of each new day. I am determined not to dread these difficult years, but to relish the craziness and thank the Lord for providing everything I need.
All in all, I'm glad I traded my scrubs for my sweatpants. Instead of calling a doctor in the middle of the night for orders on the new post-op patient, I'm on the line with the Great Physician. It's easy to follow orders from the One who made my children! Whether it's potty training, teething, mealtime chaos, or sibling rivalry, I know He has all of the answers. Since He's not in the habit of giving me perfect formulas with exact solutions to all of my problems all at once, I just keep coming to him every day. It has made a difference in my life, and I'm not about ready to get rid of a good thing!
High stress? Not with the Lord by my side! Frustrating? Most definitely. Messy? Always. Rewarding? Every moment of every day!
Fast forward several years to my current life as a stay at home mother to three children under the age of three. Wow. If only I knew how easy I had it back then! I actually say that in the nicest way. I love my children more than words can describe, but sometimes I just can't believe how difficult motherhood is, and how often I feel like I have failed in some way.
When I worked as an RN, I felt confident. I would pride myself in my ability to stay calm and handle every situation methodically. As a mother, well, that's a different story! I am still calm and methodical, but sometimes I don't feel so confident in my mothering skills.
This month, I started my new resolution of spending time each day with the Lord, no matter how hectic life became. I cannot even begin to describe how different my days have been since doing this. Most days, I spend my "quiet time" in the morning. Each day is still crazy and chaotic, but life has seemed brighter to me. I'm reaching out in new ways, and slowly bidding farewell to pessimism. I know that all I can do is take one moment at a time by God's great grace. He gives me the strength to handle the many crises which pop up each day. Just when I think I'm doing a good job, something happens to humble me and realize that it is not me, but Him. I have a renewed excitement for the future and the potential of each new day. I am determined not to dread these difficult years, but to relish the craziness and thank the Lord for providing everything I need.
All in all, I'm glad I traded my scrubs for my sweatpants. Instead of calling a doctor in the middle of the night for orders on the new post-op patient, I'm on the line with the Great Physician. It's easy to follow orders from the One who made my children! Whether it's potty training, teething, mealtime chaos, or sibling rivalry, I know He has all of the answers. Since He's not in the habit of giving me perfect formulas with exact solutions to all of my problems all at once, I just keep coming to him every day. It has made a difference in my life, and I'm not about ready to get rid of a good thing!
High stress? Not with the Lord by my side! Frustrating? Most definitely. Messy? Always. Rewarding? Every moment of every day!
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Clean Slate
I haven't made a New Year's resolution for a very long time. Instead of failing at something, I decided to spare myself the disappointment. But, this year, I knew a few things had to change.
First and foremost, my personal devotion and prayer life needed a serious overhaul. As a mother, it's easy to make excuses why I can't possibly fit time with God into my day. It's a terrible statement, but it's how I've been living. This is how my day would go. First, I would awake with not nearly enough sleep, feeling far from chipper, and hear one or more children awake. Sorry. No time for Bible reading now. I can't neglect my children. So the day begins. Then, there is the constant needs. A toddler needs a fresh diaper. A baby needs to be fed. The laundry needs to get started. If I don't start supper now, it won't be ready when we need it. And so the day continues. The constant tasks. If there is a rare moment when at least 2 of the 3 children are napping, I feel that I should use that time to shower, for my sake and the sake of my family! The day continues. Nighttime arrives. The children are bedded down. Now, it is time for the neverending list of other random things that need to get done which I can't tackle during the day when little feet are roaming free. I am then in no frame of mind to spend with God, or so I said. And then it would be off to bed for some coveted sleep. Well, things have changed and I am determined to dedicate time to the Lord each day. My goal is mornings, but I know that sometimes things happen, and my heavenly Father understands that. Regardless, I will squeeze that time in every day, even if it is after everyone is in bed. I have already felt much more calm during my days. Things always seem to go just a little smoother when I take the time to spend with God. Of course, the daily trials still occur. Kids still get sick, crayon marks need to be scrubbed from walls, and the baby still wakes up 5 or 6 times at night. But, my attitude and perspective has changed.
2010 was a difficult year filled with many changes. We moved twice. In a sense, it felt like we lost our best friends when my sister and Jeff's brother moved to Kentucky. We had to get acquainted with a new state, a new job, and new baby, a loss of pets, and a lack of any real friendships. We moved away from people we loved, from the church where we were married, from the home where we made so many memories. We lived in a hotel, travelled halfway across the country with a 2 week old, spent countless days in hospitals and doctor's offices, and administered an endless number of breathing treatments. We had lots of adventures, lots of tears, lots of scary moments, and an abundance of blessings. I don't know what 2011 holds. I don't want to know. If I had known everything about 2010, I probably would have wanted to give up on day one. But, thankfully, I have a God who grants me enough stamina for each day that I'm given. With Him, I can handle one day at a time. I'm just thankful that my God generously gives me a clean slate. And if I mess things up again tomorrow, He'll give me another chance. It doesn't have to be January 1st for me to start things anew.
First and foremost, my personal devotion and prayer life needed a serious overhaul. As a mother, it's easy to make excuses why I can't possibly fit time with God into my day. It's a terrible statement, but it's how I've been living. This is how my day would go. First, I would awake with not nearly enough sleep, feeling far from chipper, and hear one or more children awake. Sorry. No time for Bible reading now. I can't neglect my children. So the day begins. Then, there is the constant needs. A toddler needs a fresh diaper. A baby needs to be fed. The laundry needs to get started. If I don't start supper now, it won't be ready when we need it. And so the day continues. The constant tasks. If there is a rare moment when at least 2 of the 3 children are napping, I feel that I should use that time to shower, for my sake and the sake of my family! The day continues. Nighttime arrives. The children are bedded down. Now, it is time for the neverending list of other random things that need to get done which I can't tackle during the day when little feet are roaming free. I am then in no frame of mind to spend with God, or so I said. And then it would be off to bed for some coveted sleep. Well, things have changed and I am determined to dedicate time to the Lord each day. My goal is mornings, but I know that sometimes things happen, and my heavenly Father understands that. Regardless, I will squeeze that time in every day, even if it is after everyone is in bed. I have already felt much more calm during my days. Things always seem to go just a little smoother when I take the time to spend with God. Of course, the daily trials still occur. Kids still get sick, crayon marks need to be scrubbed from walls, and the baby still wakes up 5 or 6 times at night. But, my attitude and perspective has changed.
2010 was a difficult year filled with many changes. We moved twice. In a sense, it felt like we lost our best friends when my sister and Jeff's brother moved to Kentucky. We had to get acquainted with a new state, a new job, and new baby, a loss of pets, and a lack of any real friendships. We moved away from people we loved, from the church where we were married, from the home where we made so many memories. We lived in a hotel, travelled halfway across the country with a 2 week old, spent countless days in hospitals and doctor's offices, and administered an endless number of breathing treatments. We had lots of adventures, lots of tears, lots of scary moments, and an abundance of blessings. I don't know what 2011 holds. I don't want to know. If I had known everything about 2010, I probably would have wanted to give up on day one. But, thankfully, I have a God who grants me enough stamina for each day that I'm given. With Him, I can handle one day at a time. I'm just thankful that my God generously gives me a clean slate. And if I mess things up again tomorrow, He'll give me another chance. It doesn't have to be January 1st for me to start things anew.
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