Broken

I'm not a "touchy-feely" person.  I'm definitely not a hugger, and if I open up to someone, I spend the next week regretting my words.  That's who I am.  Perhaps it's part of my stoic New England background.  When I was at Remuda Ranch for treatment, I realized it was part of how I handled life.  Sometimes, it's easier not to really "feel" things.  Working as an ICU nurse, I had to block out many emotions, or I would have been unable to care for my patients and I would have gone home a complete wreck after every shift.

I know that this mindset is not always healthy.  Sometimes, God really needs to break you.  That happened this week.  I sat down at the piano (lately more of a dust collector), and started playing.  Micah just sat at my feet and listened, and the girls happily played in another room.  After a couple minutes, all 3 girls came tip-toeing in, and I heard their silly whispers.  "She is!  She's playing the piano!"  I love playing, and really should do it more often.  My songs of choice:  good old-fashioned hymns and gospel songs.  That's what I grew up playing, and those are the songs that really speak to me.

I must say, that we spend a lot of time singing in this house.  In fact, if you were to listen in for a day, you might think you were in the midst of a musical.  I always loved watching the Rodgers and Hammerstein productions, but thought they were so unrealistic.  Who goes around singing through their day?  Um -- we do.  I thought it was odd when I first heard the girls singing random things:  "I'm going to get a pencil", etc.  But then I realized I do that, too.  "Micah is a stinky boy", etc.  We don't just make songs up.  We also sing lots of Sunday School choruses that I grew up singing.  Often, while we are singing, the words choke me up, but I can usually brush it off and move on.  Well, not this week.

I think it was a combination of things, but I'm pretty sure the girls were stunned as they handed me about 25 tissues and kept whispering "Why is she crying?" and "We're sorry.  We won't do it again." 

"He looked beyond my fault and saw my need."  Those are the words I couldn't get past.  The Holy Spirit started chipping away at the outer protective layer I had formed around my heart.  You see, I, along with I'm sure many others, have a hard time looking beyond my own faults.  When I look back at my day, I see lots of black marks shouting "Failure!"  Satan whispers to me, "You lost your temper.  Your children will always resent you for that."  Or, "You weren't disciplined enough.  Now, you'll never catch up."  My head knows the fallacy in all of Satan's lies, and I can refute them easily with Scripture, but sometimes it takes awhile for my heart to catch up.

When I listen to the lies, it's easy to fall into a slump.  Every moment feels like a failure.  I feel alone and destined to screw up again.  I can tell my children that God is always with them, but I forget to practice what I preach and beg Him to help me through the day.

So, when I really began to internalize the fact that Jesus covered all of my faults at Calvary, and that His mercies truly are new every morning, I felt free.  Yes, I may have yelled when I could have solved the problem much differently, but Jesus set me free from the bondage of that guilt.  He looks at me and sees His child who needs grace.  He also sees that I love my children and I do work hard for my family.  He sees that I care about what they learn, how they eat, and when they brush their teeth.  I'm not the "good-for-nothing-slacker-mom" that Satan keeps reminding me.  I'm the "child-of-the-most-high-God-who-draws-her-strength-from-the-King-of-kings".  Lord, please help me remember that, and feel free to "break" me once in a while.  Clearly, this stubborn girl needs it.

Overwhelmed

I will now attempt to compose something that makes a little bit of sense from a brain that currently feels like mush.

Overwhelmed.  That is the word that would best describe me at the moment.  Life is always crazy, but this past week has been especially overwhelming.  If I were swimming in the ocean, my head would just barely be rising above the water as I anxiously search for the next wave.  No real explanation is needed.  I am a wife, a homemaker, and mother to four small children.  It's easy to feel the stresses of life pressing in on you when you realize the full weight of all of your responsibilities.  I won't bother with listing all the details.  That would just serve to make me depressed as I realize the laundry is still calling my name, the dishes are piled high, and the "to-do list" just keeps growing.

I really want to concentrate on a different kind of "overwhelmed."  I'm overwhelmed with my Saviour.  It's so easy for Satan to remind me where I'm falling short.  The evidences are all around me (hence the laundry, the dishes, etc.).  Yet, Christ reminds me that I will ALWAYS fall short.  Our pastor in Wisconsin used to say, "You can't, but He can."  I think that is hard for anyone, but especially women.  We like to do it all.  After all, we are the queens of multitasking.  But, we can't.  When my head is spinning, I need to take a moment and say, "I can't, but You can."

So, right now, I'm overwhelmed.  I'm overwhelmed that my Saviour loves me even though I mess up Every. Single. Day.  I'm overwhelmed that He entrusted me with this amazing family.  I don't deserve these children.  They are on loan to me from my Heavenly Father.  He knows that through His strength and guidance, I can mother them the way they need to be mothered.  I still have a hard time truly believing that I am a worthy mother for them, but I'm working on it.  I'm overwhelmed that every day that I put something else above Him, He still gives me a second chance, and a third chance, and a 557th chance.  I often marvel that His mercies truly are new every morning.  I don't have to live in the shadow of my past failures.

My six-month-old son loves to be held.  He will fall asleep contentedly in my arms, but awaken abruptly when I try to put him in his crib.  He ALWAYS wants to be near his mama.  He needs me.  I NEED my Saviour.  I want to rest in His arms and never leave that peace and comfort.  I want to ALWAYS abide in Him.  The great news?  He never tries to set me down.  He never lets me "cry it out."  He is ALWAYS there.  He wraps His strong arms around me and won't let go, unless I leave them.  Why would we ever leave that comfort? 

Maybe you feel weary and burnt out.  Maybe you are overwhelmed with life.  Let me tell you, I can't do it.  I can't be the mother I'm supposed to be.  I can't be the example, the nurturer, the housekeeper, the teacher, and the list goes on.  But, He can.  And I'm going to be doing a lot more resting in His arms instead of trying to figure it out on my own.  Overwhelmed?  I will not let my circumstances overwhelm me.  The love of my Saviour floods my heart.  Yes, I'm overwhelmed.  Overwhelmed with Him.

Think on these things

It started as a relatively normal morning.  Actually, it was a fairly exceptional morning.  I awoke before the rest of the family, fed the baby, got ready for church, fed the rest of the family, and then bathed all four children before leaving the house shortly after 9 a.m.  I was actually quite impressed with how "together" I was.  But then, I began to have some nagging feelings.  Feelings of homesickness.  Feelings of inadequacy.  By the time Sunday School was half over, I had convinced myself that no one liked me, everyone thought I was the world's worst mother, and my family was a huge burden to all those I met.  Furthermore, I was sick of being the new person. 

The feelings progressively grew stronger and I continued to wallow in my miserable self-pity.  Once I returned home, I could no longer control the tears which flowed freely.  Jeff graciously played with the girls while I sobbed, prayed, and carried on with my household chores.  While chopping onions, I suddenly realized why I was so upset.  I believe that Satan knows where to attack us.  He preys on us where we are vulnerable and where we want control.  Isn't that what he's all about, anyways?  From the very beginning, he tempted Eve with control -- the ability to know it all, to have it all together, and to be "like God."  For years, he attacked me with the control of an eating disorder.  Now that he knows that God has given me victory over that, he has turned to something else.  He knows that he can hurt me and hinder the effectiveness of my testimony through the one thing which I truly cannot have complete control -- the behavior of my children.  I'm not saying that I have absolutely no control over my children.  I don't let them run wild through the town and I keep the matches up so they don't set themselves on fire; but I can't always predict what they are going to do.  Inevitably, the baby is going to start fussing in the middle of a prayer, the toddler is going to spill something, and one of the preschoolers will loudly ask "who stinks?" during a lull in conversation.  I generally try not to let these things bother me too much.  I do, after all, have four very young children.  At any given moment, one of them is bound to be cranky, tired, unhappy, hungry, wet, hurt, or whiny.

My goal this year has been to take heed to Philippians 4:8.  "Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things."  You see, if I set my mind on these things, the thoughts of inadequacy and loneliness fade away.  God doesn't set us up for failure.  He loves me far more than I can even love myself, and He knew that with His strength to carry me through each and every boo boo and argument, I can care for these four beautiful children He has entrusted to me for a little while.

So today, after lots of tears, and lots of encouragement from my husband, my sister, and my mother (yes, I need a support team), I determined to once again hold my head high.  I am not a failure.  I am loved.  My children have a mother who loves God and who wants to honor Him.  Sure, I'll probably lose my patience with them tomorrow, and I'll probably hear the lies of Satan whisper when I do, but I'm determined to outdrown those lies with the truths of Scripture.  And let me tell you, Satan's lies are far from true, honest, just, pure, lovely, or of good report.  I don't know about you, but I would rather not think on those things.