I've been struggling for a few weeks with how exactly to put my feelings of the past 2 months into words. I definitely want to express how the Lord has been working in me, so here goes . . .
It is no secret that November and December were eventful months for us. On November 17th, our little Micah man turned one. That was such a precious reminder of God's faithfulness to us over the past year. Micah's birth was such a whirlwind, with his arrival coming just a few days after our move to Maine. God took care of us.
On November 19th, Grace and Hope turned 5. That fact in and of itself is hard for me to fathom. When they were born so premature, at just 29 weeks gestation, it was difficult to imagine them at 5 weeks, let alone 5 years! But, here they are, vibrant and strong-willed, beautiful and smart. They've come through many struggles, and today they are thriving. God took care of us.
Move back one day to November 18th and my routine 16 week OB appointment. Doctor's visits are always somewhat annoying. Getting into "town" takes at least 30 minutes, and dragging 4 kids along just makes it even longer. Jeff usually meets me at appointments and sits in the van with the kids, while I just keep looking at the clock, knowing that Jeff needs to get back to work, and the kids are probably getting antsy. On this particular day, I learned that the baby's heart had stopped a few days prior. I called Jeff to tell him I would be a few extra minutes since the baby was dead. We then carried on as usual. I drove myself and the kids home while Jeff went back to work. God took care of us.
Move forward to the beginning of December. Micah fell forward into a pellet stove, burning his hands. Lots of dressing changes and visits to doctors ensued, but his hands now bear almost no evidence of the accident. God took care of us.
There have been lots of other "things" within the past 2 months, but the ending is always the same: God took care of us. The fact will always remain that no matter what trial we may encounter, my Lord is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. We all face unpleasantries. Some seasons may seem harder than others. Some days may seem downright unbearable. I can honestly say that I've been doing okay during these past few weeks. I've been shown immense love and mercy by family and friends. Sure, I've been sad. Sure, I've worried. But I know that He has this under control, and His blessings never cease to amaze me. God is taking care of us.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Friday, August 2, 2013
Broken
I'm not a "touchy-feely" person. I'm definitely not a hugger, and if I open up to someone, I spend the next week regretting my words. That's who I am. Perhaps it's part of my stoic New England background. When I was at Remuda Ranch for treatment, I realized it was part of how I handled life. Sometimes, it's easier not to really "feel" things. Working as an ICU nurse, I had to block out many emotions, or I would have been unable to care for my patients and I would have gone home a complete wreck after every shift.
I know that this mindset is not always healthy. Sometimes, God really needs to break you. That happened this week. I sat down at the piano (lately more of a dust collector), and started playing. Micah just sat at my feet and listened, and the girls happily played in another room. After a couple minutes, all 3 girls came tip-toeing in, and I heard their silly whispers. "She is! She's playing the piano!" I love playing, and really should do it more often. My songs of choice: good old-fashioned hymns and gospel songs. That's what I grew up playing, and those are the songs that really speak to me.
I must say, that we spend a lot of time singing in this house. In fact, if you were to listen in for a day, you might think you were in the midst of a musical. I always loved watching the Rodgers and Hammerstein productions, but thought they were so unrealistic. Who goes around singing through their day? Um -- we do. I thought it was odd when I first heard the girls singing random things: "I'm going to get a pencil", etc. But then I realized I do that, too. "Micah is a stinky boy", etc. We don't just make songs up. We also sing lots of Sunday School choruses that I grew up singing. Often, while we are singing, the words choke me up, but I can usually brush it off and move on. Well, not this week.
I think it was a combination of things, but I'm pretty sure the girls were stunned as they handed me about 25 tissues and kept whispering "Why is she crying?" and "We're sorry. We won't do it again."
"He looked beyond my fault and saw my need." Those are the words I couldn't get past. The Holy Spirit started chipping away at the outer protective layer I had formed around my heart. You see, I, along with I'm sure many others, have a hard time looking beyond my own faults. When I look back at my day, I see lots of black marks shouting "Failure!" Satan whispers to me, "You lost your temper. Your children will always resent you for that." Or, "You weren't disciplined enough. Now, you'll never catch up." My head knows the fallacy in all of Satan's lies, and I can refute them easily with Scripture, but sometimes it takes awhile for my heart to catch up.
When I listen to the lies, it's easy to fall into a slump. Every moment feels like a failure. I feel alone and destined to screw up again. I can tell my children that God is always with them, but I forget to practice what I preach and beg Him to help me through the day.
So, when I really began to internalize the fact that Jesus covered all of my faults at Calvary, and that His mercies truly are new every morning, I felt free. Yes, I may have yelled when I could have solved the problem much differently, but Jesus set me free from the bondage of that guilt. He looks at me and sees His child who needs grace. He also sees that I love my children and I do work hard for my family. He sees that I care about what they learn, how they eat, and when they brush their teeth. I'm not the "good-for-nothing-slacker-mom" that Satan keeps reminding me. I'm the "child-of-the-most-high-God-who-draws-her-strength-from-the-King-of-kings". Lord, please help me remember that, and feel free to "break" me once in a while. Clearly, this stubborn girl needs it.
I know that this mindset is not always healthy. Sometimes, God really needs to break you. That happened this week. I sat down at the piano (lately more of a dust collector), and started playing. Micah just sat at my feet and listened, and the girls happily played in another room. After a couple minutes, all 3 girls came tip-toeing in, and I heard their silly whispers. "She is! She's playing the piano!" I love playing, and really should do it more often. My songs of choice: good old-fashioned hymns and gospel songs. That's what I grew up playing, and those are the songs that really speak to me.
I must say, that we spend a lot of time singing in this house. In fact, if you were to listen in for a day, you might think you were in the midst of a musical. I always loved watching the Rodgers and Hammerstein productions, but thought they were so unrealistic. Who goes around singing through their day? Um -- we do. I thought it was odd when I first heard the girls singing random things: "I'm going to get a pencil", etc. But then I realized I do that, too. "Micah is a stinky boy", etc. We don't just make songs up. We also sing lots of Sunday School choruses that I grew up singing. Often, while we are singing, the words choke me up, but I can usually brush it off and move on. Well, not this week.
I think it was a combination of things, but I'm pretty sure the girls were stunned as they handed me about 25 tissues and kept whispering "Why is she crying?" and "We're sorry. We won't do it again."
"He looked beyond my fault and saw my need." Those are the words I couldn't get past. The Holy Spirit started chipping away at the outer protective layer I had formed around my heart. You see, I, along with I'm sure many others, have a hard time looking beyond my own faults. When I look back at my day, I see lots of black marks shouting "Failure!" Satan whispers to me, "You lost your temper. Your children will always resent you for that." Or, "You weren't disciplined enough. Now, you'll never catch up." My head knows the fallacy in all of Satan's lies, and I can refute them easily with Scripture, but sometimes it takes awhile for my heart to catch up.
When I listen to the lies, it's easy to fall into a slump. Every moment feels like a failure. I feel alone and destined to screw up again. I can tell my children that God is always with them, but I forget to practice what I preach and beg Him to help me through the day.
So, when I really began to internalize the fact that Jesus covered all of my faults at Calvary, and that His mercies truly are new every morning, I felt free. Yes, I may have yelled when I could have solved the problem much differently, but Jesus set me free from the bondage of that guilt. He looks at me and sees His child who needs grace. He also sees that I love my children and I do work hard for my family. He sees that I care about what they learn, how they eat, and when they brush their teeth. I'm not the "good-for-nothing-slacker-mom" that Satan keeps reminding me. I'm the "child-of-the-most-high-God-who-draws-her-strength-from-the-King-of-kings". Lord, please help me remember that, and feel free to "break" me once in a while. Clearly, this stubborn girl needs it.
Friday, May 24, 2013
Overwhelmed
I will now attempt to compose something that makes a little bit of sense from a brain that currently feels like mush.
Overwhelmed. That is the word that would best describe me at the moment. Life is always crazy, but this past week has been especially overwhelming. If I were swimming in the ocean, my head would just barely be rising above the water as I anxiously search for the next wave. No real explanation is needed. I am a wife, a homemaker, and mother to four small children. It's easy to feel the stresses of life pressing in on you when you realize the full weight of all of your responsibilities. I won't bother with listing all the details. That would just serve to make me depressed as I realize the laundry is still calling my name, the dishes are piled high, and the "to-do list" just keeps growing.
I really want to concentrate on a different kind of "overwhelmed." I'm overwhelmed with my Saviour. It's so easy for Satan to remind me where I'm falling short. The evidences are all around me (hence the laundry, the dishes, etc.). Yet, Christ reminds me that I will ALWAYS fall short. Our pastor in Wisconsin used to say, "You can't, but He can." I think that is hard for anyone, but especially women. We like to do it all. After all, we are the queens of multitasking. But, we can't. When my head is spinning, I need to take a moment and say, "I can't, but You can."
So, right now, I'm overwhelmed. I'm overwhelmed that my Saviour loves me even though I mess up Every. Single. Day. I'm overwhelmed that He entrusted me with this amazing family. I don't deserve these children. They are on loan to me from my Heavenly Father. He knows that through His strength and guidance, I can mother them the way they need to be mothered. I still have a hard time truly believing that I am a worthy mother for them, but I'm working on it. I'm overwhelmed that every day that I put something else above Him, He still gives me a second chance, and a third chance, and a 557th chance. I often marvel that His mercies truly are new every morning. I don't have to live in the shadow of my past failures.
My six-month-old son loves to be held. He will fall asleep contentedly in my arms, but awaken abruptly when I try to put him in his crib. He ALWAYS wants to be near his mama. He needs me. I NEED my Saviour. I want to rest in His arms and never leave that peace and comfort. I want to ALWAYS abide in Him. The great news? He never tries to set me down. He never lets me "cry it out." He is ALWAYS there. He wraps His strong arms around me and won't let go, unless I leave them. Why would we ever leave that comfort?
Maybe you feel weary and burnt out. Maybe you are overwhelmed with life. Let me tell you, I can't do it. I can't be the mother I'm supposed to be. I can't be the example, the nurturer, the housekeeper, the teacher, and the list goes on. But, He can. And I'm going to be doing a lot more resting in His arms instead of trying to figure it out on my own. Overwhelmed? I will not let my circumstances overwhelm me. The love of my Saviour floods my heart. Yes, I'm overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with Him.
Overwhelmed. That is the word that would best describe me at the moment. Life is always crazy, but this past week has been especially overwhelming. If I were swimming in the ocean, my head would just barely be rising above the water as I anxiously search for the next wave. No real explanation is needed. I am a wife, a homemaker, and mother to four small children. It's easy to feel the stresses of life pressing in on you when you realize the full weight of all of your responsibilities. I won't bother with listing all the details. That would just serve to make me depressed as I realize the laundry is still calling my name, the dishes are piled high, and the "to-do list" just keeps growing.
I really want to concentrate on a different kind of "overwhelmed." I'm overwhelmed with my Saviour. It's so easy for Satan to remind me where I'm falling short. The evidences are all around me (hence the laundry, the dishes, etc.). Yet, Christ reminds me that I will ALWAYS fall short. Our pastor in Wisconsin used to say, "You can't, but He can." I think that is hard for anyone, but especially women. We like to do it all. After all, we are the queens of multitasking. But, we can't. When my head is spinning, I need to take a moment and say, "I can't, but You can."
So, right now, I'm overwhelmed. I'm overwhelmed that my Saviour loves me even though I mess up Every. Single. Day. I'm overwhelmed that He entrusted me with this amazing family. I don't deserve these children. They are on loan to me from my Heavenly Father. He knows that through His strength and guidance, I can mother them the way they need to be mothered. I still have a hard time truly believing that I am a worthy mother for them, but I'm working on it. I'm overwhelmed that every day that I put something else above Him, He still gives me a second chance, and a third chance, and a 557th chance. I often marvel that His mercies truly are new every morning. I don't have to live in the shadow of my past failures.
My six-month-old son loves to be held. He will fall asleep contentedly in my arms, but awaken abruptly when I try to put him in his crib. He ALWAYS wants to be near his mama. He needs me. I NEED my Saviour. I want to rest in His arms and never leave that peace and comfort. I want to ALWAYS abide in Him. The great news? He never tries to set me down. He never lets me "cry it out." He is ALWAYS there. He wraps His strong arms around me and won't let go, unless I leave them. Why would we ever leave that comfort?
Maybe you feel weary and burnt out. Maybe you are overwhelmed with life. Let me tell you, I can't do it. I can't be the mother I'm supposed to be. I can't be the example, the nurturer, the housekeeper, the teacher, and the list goes on. But, He can. And I'm going to be doing a lot more resting in His arms instead of trying to figure it out on my own. Overwhelmed? I will not let my circumstances overwhelm me. The love of my Saviour floods my heart. Yes, I'm overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with Him.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Think on these things
It started as a relatively normal morning. Actually, it was a fairly exceptional morning. I awoke before the rest of the family, fed the baby, got ready for church, fed the rest of the family, and then bathed all four children before leaving the house shortly after 9 a.m. I was actually quite impressed with how "together" I was. But then, I began to have some nagging feelings. Feelings of homesickness. Feelings of inadequacy. By the time Sunday School was half over, I had convinced myself that no one liked me, everyone thought I was the world's worst mother, and my family was a huge burden to all those I met. Furthermore, I was sick of being the new person.
The feelings progressively grew stronger and I continued to wallow in my miserable self-pity. Once I returned home, I could no longer control the tears which flowed freely. Jeff graciously played with the girls while I sobbed, prayed, and carried on with my household chores. While chopping onions, I suddenly realized why I was so upset. I believe that Satan knows where to attack us. He preys on us where we are vulnerable and where we want control. Isn't that what he's all about, anyways? From the very beginning, he tempted Eve with control -- the ability to know it all, to have it all together, and to be "like God." For years, he attacked me with the control of an eating disorder. Now that he knows that God has given me victory over that, he has turned to something else. He knows that he can hurt me and hinder the effectiveness of my testimony through the one thing which I truly cannot have complete control -- the behavior of my children. I'm not saying that I have absolutely no control over my children. I don't let them run wild through the town and I keep the matches up so they don't set themselves on fire; but I can't always predict what they are going to do. Inevitably, the baby is going to start fussing in the middle of a prayer, the toddler is going to spill something, and one of the preschoolers will loudly ask "who stinks?" during a lull in conversation. I generally try not to let these things bother me too much. I do, after all, have four very young children. At any given moment, one of them is bound to be cranky, tired, unhappy, hungry, wet, hurt, or whiny.
My goal this year has been to take heed to Philippians 4:8. "Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things." You see, if I set my mind on these things, the thoughts of inadequacy and loneliness fade away. God doesn't set us up for failure. He loves me far more than I can even love myself, and He knew that with His strength to carry me through each and every boo boo and argument, I can care for these four beautiful children He has entrusted to me for a little while.
So today, after lots of tears, and lots of encouragement from my husband, my sister, and my mother (yes, I need a support team), I determined to once again hold my head high. I am not a failure. I am loved. My children have a mother who loves God and who wants to honor Him. Sure, I'll probably lose my patience with them tomorrow, and I'll probably hear the lies of Satan whisper when I do, but I'm determined to outdrown those lies with the truths of Scripture. And let me tell you, Satan's lies are far from true, honest, just, pure, lovely, or of good report. I don't know about you, but I would rather not think on those things.
The feelings progressively grew stronger and I continued to wallow in my miserable self-pity. Once I returned home, I could no longer control the tears which flowed freely. Jeff graciously played with the girls while I sobbed, prayed, and carried on with my household chores. While chopping onions, I suddenly realized why I was so upset. I believe that Satan knows where to attack us. He preys on us where we are vulnerable and where we want control. Isn't that what he's all about, anyways? From the very beginning, he tempted Eve with control -- the ability to know it all, to have it all together, and to be "like God." For years, he attacked me with the control of an eating disorder. Now that he knows that God has given me victory over that, he has turned to something else. He knows that he can hurt me and hinder the effectiveness of my testimony through the one thing which I truly cannot have complete control -- the behavior of my children. I'm not saying that I have absolutely no control over my children. I don't let them run wild through the town and I keep the matches up so they don't set themselves on fire; but I can't always predict what they are going to do. Inevitably, the baby is going to start fussing in the middle of a prayer, the toddler is going to spill something, and one of the preschoolers will loudly ask "who stinks?" during a lull in conversation. I generally try not to let these things bother me too much. I do, after all, have four very young children. At any given moment, one of them is bound to be cranky, tired, unhappy, hungry, wet, hurt, or whiny.
My goal this year has been to take heed to Philippians 4:8. "Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things." You see, if I set my mind on these things, the thoughts of inadequacy and loneliness fade away. God doesn't set us up for failure. He loves me far more than I can even love myself, and He knew that with His strength to carry me through each and every boo boo and argument, I can care for these four beautiful children He has entrusted to me for a little while.
So today, after lots of tears, and lots of encouragement from my husband, my sister, and my mother (yes, I need a support team), I determined to once again hold my head high. I am not a failure. I am loved. My children have a mother who loves God and who wants to honor Him. Sure, I'll probably lose my patience with them tomorrow, and I'll probably hear the lies of Satan whisper when I do, but I'm determined to outdrown those lies with the truths of Scripture. And let me tell you, Satan's lies are far from true, honest, just, pure, lovely, or of good report. I don't know about you, but I would rather not think on those things.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Eternal Living in a Temporal World
I've been waiting a long time to write this post -- almost a year now, in fact. There have been many times that I considered writing, but then decided that I should wait until things were more perfect and my life was more settled. I have since concluded that such a day will never happen, so here is the raw story from my heart -- a story I've needed to share for a while.
For months, Jeff and I prayed for direction. We were fairly settled in Ohio, but felt God stirring us to head east. After months of prayer and job searching, nothing happened. We still felt God moving us east, but there were no jobs to be found. All prospects led to disappointing dead ends. We finally decided to take a leap of faith. It wasn't the first time we made such a bold move, and I'm sure it won't be the last. By this point, I was pregnant with our fourth child, and God was clearly telling us it was time to move. Jeff gave his notice at work and we started packing. Jeff's company in Ohio then offered him an opportunity to work remotely. In essence, he would still be able to work for them, but we could live in NH. I praised God for this huge answer to prayer. But then, on Jeff's last day of work, his boss told him that the deal was off. I remember driving to the lake in St. Mary's, sobbing, crying out to God. Why would He allow this? Our one hope was snatched away from us two days before we were scheduled to move. Then, on the day of the move, through what some would call a good coincidence, but what I believe was God's divine providence, Jeff's boss called him and said the company was desperate for Jeff's help and perhaps they could work something out. To make a long story short, Jeff started his own company working out of my parents' basement as a consultant. However, it soon became clear that this could not be a permanent solution. His new job took him away from us for weeks at a time, and the lack of a routine was not benefiting the girls. We were greatly blessed by the opportunity to stay with my parents, and they were a huge help during my last months of pregnancy. I can't imagine spending those days and weeks alone. God definitely had a reason for that time there. Once again, we thought we had things figured out, and made plans to find a home in NH, but doors kept slamming shut. They weren't just closing -- they were slamming!
Finally, the Lord provided a job in Bangor, Maine, about 3 hours away from my family. I could write a novel of the many ways God clearly made His will known in the unsettled days leading up to our move. I don't always understand why certain things happen, but when I look back, I can see His hand and know for certain that His ways are most definitely higher than mine. I would have done things a whole lot differently if I had my way months ago. I am so glad that I followed His way instead of my own.
And that leads me to my most important point. As a young girl, I asked Jesus to be Lord of my life. It's not just that I believed in God. Lots of people, even Satan, believe in God. It's not just that I believed the Christmas story. A lot of people still believe that. But, I invited Him into my heart, making Him the center of my life. I'm sure, as a child, I had no idea of the crazy road of life I would travel and how I would need Him to direct every single step. But today, I am positive that I would not be able to survive in this crazy world without Him. There can be no other explanation for how everything fell into place surrounding our move to Maine and the birth of our son. In the month before the move, Jeff was once again away from the family, living in a motel. We weren't happy about the arrangements, but it was during that time that Jeff was able to connect with Bangor Baptist Church, a source of huge blessing to us during this period of transition. The people there were willing to help complete strangers. Not only did they find a doctor for me when no one would take me at 39 weeks pregnant, they watched our girls when I went into labor, they helped unpack our house, they helped with doctor appointments, and they provided meals and lots of encouragement. Having a relationship with Jesus doesn't mean that things will be perfect or even easy in this temporal world. Instead, we should be focused on the eternal and know that He is always in control. No matter how crazy my life may seem here, I pray that, through it all, I can let Jesus shine through me, giving glory to my heavenly Father. It is because of Him that I can have true peace despite the earthly uncertainties.
Within a span of three days, we moved and had a baby. While I was thinking that these were not ideal circumstances, I was reminded of how my Saviour was born 2000 years ago. When I look at the precious face of my newborn son, I think of how Mary must have felt gazing upon baby Jesus, the Kind of kings and Lord of lords. And then I think of how perfectly God loves us, His sinful children, that He would send that precious Baby to die for us. It's a love that we humans cannot fully understand, but we completely reap the benefits when we fully surrender to Him.
I don't know what the future holds, but I know Who holds my future. Isn't that what really matters?
For months, Jeff and I prayed for direction. We were fairly settled in Ohio, but felt God stirring us to head east. After months of prayer and job searching, nothing happened. We still felt God moving us east, but there were no jobs to be found. All prospects led to disappointing dead ends. We finally decided to take a leap of faith. It wasn't the first time we made such a bold move, and I'm sure it won't be the last. By this point, I was pregnant with our fourth child, and God was clearly telling us it was time to move. Jeff gave his notice at work and we started packing. Jeff's company in Ohio then offered him an opportunity to work remotely. In essence, he would still be able to work for them, but we could live in NH. I praised God for this huge answer to prayer. But then, on Jeff's last day of work, his boss told him that the deal was off. I remember driving to the lake in St. Mary's, sobbing, crying out to God. Why would He allow this? Our one hope was snatched away from us two days before we were scheduled to move. Then, on the day of the move, through what some would call a good coincidence, but what I believe was God's divine providence, Jeff's boss called him and said the company was desperate for Jeff's help and perhaps they could work something out. To make a long story short, Jeff started his own company working out of my parents' basement as a consultant. However, it soon became clear that this could not be a permanent solution. His new job took him away from us for weeks at a time, and the lack of a routine was not benefiting the girls. We were greatly blessed by the opportunity to stay with my parents, and they were a huge help during my last months of pregnancy. I can't imagine spending those days and weeks alone. God definitely had a reason for that time there. Once again, we thought we had things figured out, and made plans to find a home in NH, but doors kept slamming shut. They weren't just closing -- they were slamming!
Finally, the Lord provided a job in Bangor, Maine, about 3 hours away from my family. I could write a novel of the many ways God clearly made His will known in the unsettled days leading up to our move. I don't always understand why certain things happen, but when I look back, I can see His hand and know for certain that His ways are most definitely higher than mine. I would have done things a whole lot differently if I had my way months ago. I am so glad that I followed His way instead of my own.
And that leads me to my most important point. As a young girl, I asked Jesus to be Lord of my life. It's not just that I believed in God. Lots of people, even Satan, believe in God. It's not just that I believed the Christmas story. A lot of people still believe that. But, I invited Him into my heart, making Him the center of my life. I'm sure, as a child, I had no idea of the crazy road of life I would travel and how I would need Him to direct every single step. But today, I am positive that I would not be able to survive in this crazy world without Him. There can be no other explanation for how everything fell into place surrounding our move to Maine and the birth of our son. In the month before the move, Jeff was once again away from the family, living in a motel. We weren't happy about the arrangements, but it was during that time that Jeff was able to connect with Bangor Baptist Church, a source of huge blessing to us during this period of transition. The people there were willing to help complete strangers. Not only did they find a doctor for me when no one would take me at 39 weeks pregnant, they watched our girls when I went into labor, they helped unpack our house, they helped with doctor appointments, and they provided meals and lots of encouragement. Having a relationship with Jesus doesn't mean that things will be perfect or even easy in this temporal world. Instead, we should be focused on the eternal and know that He is always in control. No matter how crazy my life may seem here, I pray that, through it all, I can let Jesus shine through me, giving glory to my heavenly Father. It is because of Him that I can have true peace despite the earthly uncertainties.
Within a span of three days, we moved and had a baby. While I was thinking that these were not ideal circumstances, I was reminded of how my Saviour was born 2000 years ago. When I look at the precious face of my newborn son, I think of how Mary must have felt gazing upon baby Jesus, the Kind of kings and Lord of lords. And then I think of how perfectly God loves us, His sinful children, that He would send that precious Baby to die for us. It's a love that we humans cannot fully understand, but we completely reap the benefits when we fully surrender to Him.
I don't know what the future holds, but I know Who holds my future. Isn't that what really matters?
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Pursuing Perfect Peace
Things have been a bit unsettled in the Lemke household for the past few months. We've been praying about where God wants us right now, and whether or not it is time to move. Everything has seemed to point to moving back out to New Hampshire. It is no secret that I would love to be near my family, and that feeling all alone in the Midwest lost its charm a long time ago. But, I know that if God wants me here, I will make the best of it -- which is how I've behaved in the past two years that we've lived in Ohio. I have tried to get out of the house as much as possible with three small children, and I must say that we've done okay. I've learned a lot, and I know without a doubt that there really is no other friend like Jesus. When the rest of my world is rocky, He is my constant companion, always willing to lend a shoulder to a weary daughter.
In December, Jeff had a promising interview with a company in NH. We excitedly prayed and waited. We received more signs that, yes, this was going to happen. Things were pointing us east. I cleaned out the deep freezer and used up almost all of the food in the pantry. Every day, I checked Jeff's e-mail and asked if he received any phone calls. I kept excitedly planning my next Facebook status: "God is good." "Early Christmas present." "Great way to start the new year." "Answered prayer." And then, after waiting for almost two months, the opportunity fell through, and I felt like we were starting over again. Disappointed, we told ourselves that God has a different plan for us. But, it was really hard for my heart to truly believe that. I felt defeated. I was doing everything right -- right? I had placed it all in God's very capable hands, I didn't badger or plan or connive. I just trusted that it was all going to work out. But then, it didn't work out the way I planned. Hmm -- ironic, I guess. You see, it really was my plan. God led us down that path for a reason, but the reason was not for us to move right now. Jeff and I still believe that the Lord wants us to move east, but we know that it needs to be when He's ready.
So the other day, during a miraculous moment when all 3 girls were napping (a true rarity in this house), I kneeled beside my bed asking my Father for peace. I don't understand. I don't like the unsettled feeling that I have, not knowing if I'm moving next month or next year. There are several other major issues which have been plaguing us; but I know we need to just lay them at the feet of our Creator. But I keep telling myself that I have done this. I'm constantly talking to God, affirming that it's all in His hands. That is why I'm praying for peace -- the peace that can calm the fiercest storm, ease a child's troubled dreams, and quiet the spirits of a young couple seeking the next step for their family. I've always known that my future is in His hands, and I've always willingly given it over to Him. But, my most urgent prayer now is that He will wash us in the calming peace that only He can provide, as we patiently wait for His next instructions.
In December, Jeff had a promising interview with a company in NH. We excitedly prayed and waited. We received more signs that, yes, this was going to happen. Things were pointing us east. I cleaned out the deep freezer and used up almost all of the food in the pantry. Every day, I checked Jeff's e-mail and asked if he received any phone calls. I kept excitedly planning my next Facebook status: "God is good." "Early Christmas present." "Great way to start the new year." "Answered prayer." And then, after waiting for almost two months, the opportunity fell through, and I felt like we were starting over again. Disappointed, we told ourselves that God has a different plan for us. But, it was really hard for my heart to truly believe that. I felt defeated. I was doing everything right -- right? I had placed it all in God's very capable hands, I didn't badger or plan or connive. I just trusted that it was all going to work out. But then, it didn't work out the way I planned. Hmm -- ironic, I guess. You see, it really was my plan. God led us down that path for a reason, but the reason was not for us to move right now. Jeff and I still believe that the Lord wants us to move east, but we know that it needs to be when He's ready.
So the other day, during a miraculous moment when all 3 girls were napping (a true rarity in this house), I kneeled beside my bed asking my Father for peace. I don't understand. I don't like the unsettled feeling that I have, not knowing if I'm moving next month or next year. There are several other major issues which have been plaguing us; but I know we need to just lay them at the feet of our Creator. But I keep telling myself that I have done this. I'm constantly talking to God, affirming that it's all in His hands. That is why I'm praying for peace -- the peace that can calm the fiercest storm, ease a child's troubled dreams, and quiet the spirits of a young couple seeking the next step for their family. I've always known that my future is in His hands, and I've always willingly given it over to Him. But, my most urgent prayer now is that He will wash us in the calming peace that only He can provide, as we patiently wait for His next instructions.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Disney Live comes to Dayton
http://www.domesticdebacle.com/2012/01/28/disneylivedayton/comment-page-1/#comment-5233
We are ready for a break in the Lemke household. The past few weeks have been difficult, and I've been begging Jeff for another Disney vacation. However, since it doesn't look like he'll be getting a significant amount of time off any time soon, I figure that this would be the next best thing. My three little princesses adore the Disney princesses, and dress up time is virtually constant in the Lemke house. Domestic Debacle is running another giveaway, this time for the show in Dayton. Since we are down in the area almost every weekend, it would be perfect for us. Here's hoping for some pixie dust!
We are ready for a break in the Lemke household. The past few weeks have been difficult, and I've been begging Jeff for another Disney vacation. However, since it doesn't look like he'll be getting a significant amount of time off any time soon, I figure that this would be the next best thing. My three little princesses adore the Disney princesses, and dress up time is virtually constant in the Lemke house. Domestic Debacle is running another giveaway, this time for the show in Dayton. Since we are down in the area almost every weekend, it would be perfect for us. Here's hoping for some pixie dust!
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Disney Live
I've been meaning to blog for awhile. There's been a lot going on in our lives lately, so I intend to devote some time to that soon. But, for now, I wanted to mention a contest that is going on over at Domestic Debacle. She is offering free tickets to see Disney Live down in Cincinnati. Since it is all about princesses, I know my 3 little princesses would be thrilled! We are all huge Disney fans, and it would give us a little bit of the magic here in Ohio. Check it out at http://www.domesticdebacle.com/2012/01/03/disneylivegiveaway/#more-2443
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Hold Me!
It's a fairly regular occurrence before I drift off to dreamland.
"Jeff," I'll whisper to my sleepy husband.
"Hmm," he'll grunt in response.
"Hold me."
With that, he flops his arm around me and I feel safe. Now, I can sleep.
Please don't misunderstand. I've always been the type to feel like I really don't need any other human being. I like to do things on my own, and pride myself in my independent spirit. Before meeting Jeff, I frequently wore a t-shirt which said, "Got my horse, Got my dog, Don't need no cowboy." That pretty much summed up my life. So, I know that I don't need the security of my husband's sleepy arm around me. But it sure feels nice sometimes.
My newest daily afternoon routine has involved buckling my three girls into the van and going for a ride to allow a much-needed nap for them and break for me. By the time I reach the lake, less than 15 minutes into my journey, they are usually all asleep. There I sit, listen to music, read magazines, and pray. The other day I found myself praying that God would put His arms around and hold each of my children, much as I ask Jeff to "hold me." More than anything, I need Him to hold me, hold my precious children, hold my husband. The enemy is tricky. He can be lurking where we least expect him, which is why I need my Father to hold us tightly and direct us in the ways He wants us to go. Despite my independence from others, I know with certainty that I am absolutely dependent on my Saviour.
Life is an ever-changing journey. Jeff and I have often mused how we never feel "settled." Ohio just doesn't seem like "home." But, what has felt like home? We've come to the conclusion that we'll never feel settled on this earth. We have a far more glorious home waiting for us. In the meantime, I can feel an amazing amount of peace in each moment of every day when I realize that my Father is holding me. He's sitting next to me when I'm at the lake, He's standing beside me as I'm folding laundry, and He's holding on to me when I just don't know where to turn.
"Lord, hold me."
"Jeff," I'll whisper to my sleepy husband.
"Hmm," he'll grunt in response.
"Hold me."
With that, he flops his arm around me and I feel safe. Now, I can sleep.
Please don't misunderstand. I've always been the type to feel like I really don't need any other human being. I like to do things on my own, and pride myself in my independent spirit. Before meeting Jeff, I frequently wore a t-shirt which said, "Got my horse, Got my dog, Don't need no cowboy." That pretty much summed up my life. So, I know that I don't need the security of my husband's sleepy arm around me. But it sure feels nice sometimes.
My newest daily afternoon routine has involved buckling my three girls into the van and going for a ride to allow a much-needed nap for them and break for me. By the time I reach the lake, less than 15 minutes into my journey, they are usually all asleep. There I sit, listen to music, read magazines, and pray. The other day I found myself praying that God would put His arms around and hold each of my children, much as I ask Jeff to "hold me." More than anything, I need Him to hold me, hold my precious children, hold my husband. The enemy is tricky. He can be lurking where we least expect him, which is why I need my Father to hold us tightly and direct us in the ways He wants us to go. Despite my independence from others, I know with certainty that I am absolutely dependent on my Saviour.
Life is an ever-changing journey. Jeff and I have often mused how we never feel "settled." Ohio just doesn't seem like "home." But, what has felt like home? We've come to the conclusion that we'll never feel settled on this earth. We have a far more glorious home waiting for us. In the meantime, I can feel an amazing amount of peace in each moment of every day when I realize that my Father is holding me. He's sitting next to me when I'm at the lake, He's standing beside me as I'm folding laundry, and He's holding on to me when I just don't know where to turn.
"Lord, hold me."
Monday, March 14, 2011
Sweet Victory
At the beginning of the year, I told myself that I would do better about keeping up with my writing. I love getting my words out in this format, but things just sometimes get in the way. We had some more illnesses, and then I had some struggles of my own. I didn't feel worthy to write, and I decided that I needed to get better control of my life before I started writing again. And then, the obvious occurred to me. I can never and will never be "perfect" enough. I don't have to "have it all together" and make a profound statement in everything I write.
Recently, I started to once again listen to the lies that I'm not good enough, not pretty enough, not supermom enough. I'm sure we all have those kinds of days, but the key is to "snap out of" that mindset. Sometimes, that's not easy -- especially when you try to do it on your own.
For more than half of my life, I have dealt with an eating disorder. I never thought recovery was possible. I knew that God could do great things -- after all, He's God. But, I didn't think I would ever be healed. I never fully believed, and I never fully committed it to Him -- until I finally sought and accepted help. I had been told countless times to just surrender it to Him, but that is easier said than done when Satan is working on the side of the eating disorder, whispering lies whenever he has a chance. Three years ago, I fully embraced my recovery journey, and my relationship with food and my body changed in a way I never imagined possible. When you have been trapped in such a battle, freedom feels very liberating. But, there are always the occassional difficulties. Every once in a while, those sinister whispers return in a desperate attempt to once again convince me of the lies.
In those moments when I feel that I'm not good enough, that is when I must remember that HE IS good enough. When I feel that I am not pretty enough, I need to remember that HE doesn't create ugliness. Satan does. And since I am a child of God, HE made me beautiful. When I feel like I can't possibly be the supermom I need to be to my little girls, I need to tell myself that HE gives the strength and wisdom and discernment I need to be the kind of mommy that my children need. I may not be enough -- but with Him, I have all I need. And only He can give me the victory. Recovery from an eating disorder doesn't just happen in a day. I don't know of anyone who was anorexic one day and perfectly fine the next. It takes a conscious effort each and every day. It takes a determination to have victory each day over the illness. In the same way, we all, if we are honest, need to make a conscious decision each day to allow Christ to have the victory in our lives for that day. Otherwise, Satan is roaming free -- and his lies are tempting. Let's remember Whose power is greater, Whose words are always true, and Whose victory is sweeter.
Recently, I started to once again listen to the lies that I'm not good enough, not pretty enough, not supermom enough. I'm sure we all have those kinds of days, but the key is to "snap out of" that mindset. Sometimes, that's not easy -- especially when you try to do it on your own.
For more than half of my life, I have dealt with an eating disorder. I never thought recovery was possible. I knew that God could do great things -- after all, He's God. But, I didn't think I would ever be healed. I never fully believed, and I never fully committed it to Him -- until I finally sought and accepted help. I had been told countless times to just surrender it to Him, but that is easier said than done when Satan is working on the side of the eating disorder, whispering lies whenever he has a chance. Three years ago, I fully embraced my recovery journey, and my relationship with food and my body changed in a way I never imagined possible. When you have been trapped in such a battle, freedom feels very liberating. But, there are always the occassional difficulties. Every once in a while, those sinister whispers return in a desperate attempt to once again convince me of the lies.
In those moments when I feel that I'm not good enough, that is when I must remember that HE IS good enough. When I feel that I am not pretty enough, I need to remember that HE doesn't create ugliness. Satan does. And since I am a child of God, HE made me beautiful. When I feel like I can't possibly be the supermom I need to be to my little girls, I need to tell myself that HE gives the strength and wisdom and discernment I need to be the kind of mommy that my children need. I may not be enough -- but with Him, I have all I need. And only He can give me the victory. Recovery from an eating disorder doesn't just happen in a day. I don't know of anyone who was anorexic one day and perfectly fine the next. It takes a conscious effort each and every day. It takes a determination to have victory each day over the illness. In the same way, we all, if we are honest, need to make a conscious decision each day to allow Christ to have the victory in our lives for that day. Otherwise, Satan is roaming free -- and his lies are tempting. Let's remember Whose power is greater, Whose words are always true, and Whose victory is sweeter.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Give it a Rest!
Yesterday morning, after putting the girls on the bus for school, I tried to turn my attention to some things I needed to accomplish around the house. I like to take advantage of the few hours each week when I only have one child to watch, so I can get some housework done. However, Patience was not fully cooperating. I knew my time was limited anyways, since I had to take her to the pediatrician's office for a vaccine, so I was becoming quite annoyed that the baby wanted my attention. Didn't she see the pile of laundry that needed to be folded? What was her problem? She had been changed and fed; and there were piles of toys surrounding her, waiting to be played with or chewed on. But nothing satisfied her. She wanted Mommy, and Mommy just needed to stop and hold her.
I started thinking about how often all three of my children cry for my attention. Often, their needs seem trite to me. Grace took a book away from Hope. Hope threw a toy at Patience. Patience pulled Grace's hair. Many times, I don't even know why they are upset. But the reasons are valid to them, and they need their Mommy to give them comfort and understanding. I wonder how many times we do this to our heavenly Father. I know I am often guilty. So and so never calls me. Why don't I have any friends? Why can't we eat a meal without some sort of meltdown? As pathetic as each of my cries may be, He patiently hears me and gently gives me the comfort that only He can provide.
In my motherhood journey, I quickly learned that a lack of sleep usually results in very cranky children and those seemingly trite complaints become magnified. It always baffles me that my girls fight sleep so much. Who wouldn't want to sleep? I love sleep and would give anything to just be able to set everything aside to sleep for a few hours in the middle of every day. I wonder if the Lord wonders the same thing about me. Why doesn't Mary just stop and rest in Me? Why is she fighting My calm? Her world would not seem so chaotic and futile to her if she just laid all of her cares at My feet each day, before the troubles overtake her and she feels like she just can't go on.
So, amidst caring for a fussy baby, I learned an important lesson. Just as Mommy can make things better when things are out of control for the girls, my Heavenly Father can put the pieces back together when my world is spinning. If Grace, Hope, and Patience would just listen to Mommy and take a nap everyday, they wouldn't be cranky and miserable halfway through the day. If Mommy would just listen to the Lord, she would know enough to rest in Him and let His strength carry her through the day. Slowly but surely, I'm learning; and wow, what a difference it makes!
I started thinking about how often all three of my children cry for my attention. Often, their needs seem trite to me. Grace took a book away from Hope. Hope threw a toy at Patience. Patience pulled Grace's hair. Many times, I don't even know why they are upset. But the reasons are valid to them, and they need their Mommy to give them comfort and understanding. I wonder how many times we do this to our heavenly Father. I know I am often guilty. So and so never calls me. Why don't I have any friends? Why can't we eat a meal without some sort of meltdown? As pathetic as each of my cries may be, He patiently hears me and gently gives me the comfort that only He can provide.
In my motherhood journey, I quickly learned that a lack of sleep usually results in very cranky children and those seemingly trite complaints become magnified. It always baffles me that my girls fight sleep so much. Who wouldn't want to sleep? I love sleep and would give anything to just be able to set everything aside to sleep for a few hours in the middle of every day. I wonder if the Lord wonders the same thing about me. Why doesn't Mary just stop and rest in Me? Why is she fighting My calm? Her world would not seem so chaotic and futile to her if she just laid all of her cares at My feet each day, before the troubles overtake her and she feels like she just can't go on.
So, amidst caring for a fussy baby, I learned an important lesson. Just as Mommy can make things better when things are out of control for the girls, my Heavenly Father can put the pieces back together when my world is spinning. If Grace, Hope, and Patience would just listen to Mommy and take a nap everyday, they wouldn't be cranky and miserable halfway through the day. If Mommy would just listen to the Lord, she would know enough to rest in Him and let His strength carry her through the day. Slowly but surely, I'm learning; and wow, what a difference it makes!
Friday, January 21, 2011
Nurse turned Mommy
Just a few short years ago, I was working crazy 12 hour night shifts in an intensive care unit. I dealt with cranky doctors, feisty patients, and more lines and tubes than most people would care to think of. But I knew where each line started and ended, what medications were being infused, and what the physician should have ordered before he left for the night. High-stress? Maybe. Frustrating? Sometimes. Messy? Always. Rewarding? Occasionally.
Fast forward several years to my current life as a stay at home mother to three children under the age of three. Wow. If only I knew how easy I had it back then! I actually say that in the nicest way. I love my children more than words can describe, but sometimes I just can't believe how difficult motherhood is, and how often I feel like I have failed in some way.
When I worked as an RN, I felt confident. I would pride myself in my ability to stay calm and handle every situation methodically. As a mother, well, that's a different story! I am still calm and methodical, but sometimes I don't feel so confident in my mothering skills.
This month, I started my new resolution of spending time each day with the Lord, no matter how hectic life became. I cannot even begin to describe how different my days have been since doing this. Most days, I spend my "quiet time" in the morning. Each day is still crazy and chaotic, but life has seemed brighter to me. I'm reaching out in new ways, and slowly bidding farewell to pessimism. I know that all I can do is take one moment at a time by God's great grace. He gives me the strength to handle the many crises which pop up each day. Just when I think I'm doing a good job, something happens to humble me and realize that it is not me, but Him. I have a renewed excitement for the future and the potential of each new day. I am determined not to dread these difficult years, but to relish the craziness and thank the Lord for providing everything I need.
All in all, I'm glad I traded my scrubs for my sweatpants. Instead of calling a doctor in the middle of the night for orders on the new post-op patient, I'm on the line with the Great Physician. It's easy to follow orders from the One who made my children! Whether it's potty training, teething, mealtime chaos, or sibling rivalry, I know He has all of the answers. Since He's not in the habit of giving me perfect formulas with exact solutions to all of my problems all at once, I just keep coming to him every day. It has made a difference in my life, and I'm not about ready to get rid of a good thing!
High stress? Not with the Lord by my side! Frustrating? Most definitely. Messy? Always. Rewarding? Every moment of every day!
Fast forward several years to my current life as a stay at home mother to three children under the age of three. Wow. If only I knew how easy I had it back then! I actually say that in the nicest way. I love my children more than words can describe, but sometimes I just can't believe how difficult motherhood is, and how often I feel like I have failed in some way.
When I worked as an RN, I felt confident. I would pride myself in my ability to stay calm and handle every situation methodically. As a mother, well, that's a different story! I am still calm and methodical, but sometimes I don't feel so confident in my mothering skills.
This month, I started my new resolution of spending time each day with the Lord, no matter how hectic life became. I cannot even begin to describe how different my days have been since doing this. Most days, I spend my "quiet time" in the morning. Each day is still crazy and chaotic, but life has seemed brighter to me. I'm reaching out in new ways, and slowly bidding farewell to pessimism. I know that all I can do is take one moment at a time by God's great grace. He gives me the strength to handle the many crises which pop up each day. Just when I think I'm doing a good job, something happens to humble me and realize that it is not me, but Him. I have a renewed excitement for the future and the potential of each new day. I am determined not to dread these difficult years, but to relish the craziness and thank the Lord for providing everything I need.
All in all, I'm glad I traded my scrubs for my sweatpants. Instead of calling a doctor in the middle of the night for orders on the new post-op patient, I'm on the line with the Great Physician. It's easy to follow orders from the One who made my children! Whether it's potty training, teething, mealtime chaos, or sibling rivalry, I know He has all of the answers. Since He's not in the habit of giving me perfect formulas with exact solutions to all of my problems all at once, I just keep coming to him every day. It has made a difference in my life, and I'm not about ready to get rid of a good thing!
High stress? Not with the Lord by my side! Frustrating? Most definitely. Messy? Always. Rewarding? Every moment of every day!
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Clean Slate
I haven't made a New Year's resolution for a very long time. Instead of failing at something, I decided to spare myself the disappointment. But, this year, I knew a few things had to change.
First and foremost, my personal devotion and prayer life needed a serious overhaul. As a mother, it's easy to make excuses why I can't possibly fit time with God into my day. It's a terrible statement, but it's how I've been living. This is how my day would go. First, I would awake with not nearly enough sleep, feeling far from chipper, and hear one or more children awake. Sorry. No time for Bible reading now. I can't neglect my children. So the day begins. Then, there is the constant needs. A toddler needs a fresh diaper. A baby needs to be fed. The laundry needs to get started. If I don't start supper now, it won't be ready when we need it. And so the day continues. The constant tasks. If there is a rare moment when at least 2 of the 3 children are napping, I feel that I should use that time to shower, for my sake and the sake of my family! The day continues. Nighttime arrives. The children are bedded down. Now, it is time for the neverending list of other random things that need to get done which I can't tackle during the day when little feet are roaming free. I am then in no frame of mind to spend with God, or so I said. And then it would be off to bed for some coveted sleep. Well, things have changed and I am determined to dedicate time to the Lord each day. My goal is mornings, but I know that sometimes things happen, and my heavenly Father understands that. Regardless, I will squeeze that time in every day, even if it is after everyone is in bed. I have already felt much more calm during my days. Things always seem to go just a little smoother when I take the time to spend with God. Of course, the daily trials still occur. Kids still get sick, crayon marks need to be scrubbed from walls, and the baby still wakes up 5 or 6 times at night. But, my attitude and perspective has changed.
2010 was a difficult year filled with many changes. We moved twice. In a sense, it felt like we lost our best friends when my sister and Jeff's brother moved to Kentucky. We had to get acquainted with a new state, a new job, and new baby, a loss of pets, and a lack of any real friendships. We moved away from people we loved, from the church where we were married, from the home where we made so many memories. We lived in a hotel, travelled halfway across the country with a 2 week old, spent countless days in hospitals and doctor's offices, and administered an endless number of breathing treatments. We had lots of adventures, lots of tears, lots of scary moments, and an abundance of blessings. I don't know what 2011 holds. I don't want to know. If I had known everything about 2010, I probably would have wanted to give up on day one. But, thankfully, I have a God who grants me enough stamina for each day that I'm given. With Him, I can handle one day at a time. I'm just thankful that my God generously gives me a clean slate. And if I mess things up again tomorrow, He'll give me another chance. It doesn't have to be January 1st for me to start things anew.
First and foremost, my personal devotion and prayer life needed a serious overhaul. As a mother, it's easy to make excuses why I can't possibly fit time with God into my day. It's a terrible statement, but it's how I've been living. This is how my day would go. First, I would awake with not nearly enough sleep, feeling far from chipper, and hear one or more children awake. Sorry. No time for Bible reading now. I can't neglect my children. So the day begins. Then, there is the constant needs. A toddler needs a fresh diaper. A baby needs to be fed. The laundry needs to get started. If I don't start supper now, it won't be ready when we need it. And so the day continues. The constant tasks. If there is a rare moment when at least 2 of the 3 children are napping, I feel that I should use that time to shower, for my sake and the sake of my family! The day continues. Nighttime arrives. The children are bedded down. Now, it is time for the neverending list of other random things that need to get done which I can't tackle during the day when little feet are roaming free. I am then in no frame of mind to spend with God, or so I said. And then it would be off to bed for some coveted sleep. Well, things have changed and I am determined to dedicate time to the Lord each day. My goal is mornings, but I know that sometimes things happen, and my heavenly Father understands that. Regardless, I will squeeze that time in every day, even if it is after everyone is in bed. I have already felt much more calm during my days. Things always seem to go just a little smoother when I take the time to spend with God. Of course, the daily trials still occur. Kids still get sick, crayon marks need to be scrubbed from walls, and the baby still wakes up 5 or 6 times at night. But, my attitude and perspective has changed.
2010 was a difficult year filled with many changes. We moved twice. In a sense, it felt like we lost our best friends when my sister and Jeff's brother moved to Kentucky. We had to get acquainted with a new state, a new job, and new baby, a loss of pets, and a lack of any real friendships. We moved away from people we loved, from the church where we were married, from the home where we made so many memories. We lived in a hotel, travelled halfway across the country with a 2 week old, spent countless days in hospitals and doctor's offices, and administered an endless number of breathing treatments. We had lots of adventures, lots of tears, lots of scary moments, and an abundance of blessings. I don't know what 2011 holds. I don't want to know. If I had known everything about 2010, I probably would have wanted to give up on day one. But, thankfully, I have a God who grants me enough stamina for each day that I'm given. With Him, I can handle one day at a time. I'm just thankful that my God generously gives me a clean slate. And if I mess things up again tomorrow, He'll give me another chance. It doesn't have to be January 1st for me to start things anew.
Monday, July 12, 2010
The Unplanned Life
It seems like life rarely happens as planned -- at least as I plan. I realized this anew with the recent birth of my 3rd daughter. I thought I would have one of those storybook labors (whatever that is), something I didn't have the 1st time around with my twins. But God had different plans, something I wouldn't have imagined, but something that wound up being the best for my little girl. So now I'm glad that things didn't go as planned.
When I look back over the 29 years of my life, I realize that many things didn't go as planned. Growing up, I figured my life would be filled with a career. Even though I had fairy tale dreams of love and marriage, I thought that a family of my own was out of my reach -- so I made other plans. But God's plans surpassed my own -- for which I am eternally grateful.
Four years ago, I met the man who would change my life and make the fairy tale come true. A year later, we were married in a small country church in Wisconsin with our two beautiful horses looking on. Once again, something I never imagined. It would be the beginning of a whirlwhind year. Less than two months later, I had to leave my new husband to check into an eating disorder rehab program for 45 days. My motivation for recovery -- the hope that some day I could have children if I received treatment. A horse trampling, a tumor discovery, and surgery that I thought would surely hamper my longing for children, all ensued.
I never planned to have twins, but God did. I figured my pregnancy would be relatively normal -- not ridden with every possible obstetrical nightmare. I didn't plan to give birth prematurely at 29 weeks, but God had it all taken care of.
Looking back, I can see lots of tears and questions. Many times, I cried out to God, searching for answers. I still don't know why He allowed some struggles and pain. But I have peace knowing that He is and always has been in control.
And so, I've decided that I need to live an "unplanned life." After all, there is no sense in making plans when my Heavenly Father has higher goals in mind. Instead of being a career woman, I'm a happy wife to my own Prince Charming and a delighted mommy to 3 precious girls. I'm glad I chose His plan over my own!
When I look back over the 29 years of my life, I realize that many things didn't go as planned. Growing up, I figured my life would be filled with a career. Even though I had fairy tale dreams of love and marriage, I thought that a family of my own was out of my reach -- so I made other plans. But God's plans surpassed my own -- for which I am eternally grateful.
Four years ago, I met the man who would change my life and make the fairy tale come true. A year later, we were married in a small country church in Wisconsin with our two beautiful horses looking on. Once again, something I never imagined. It would be the beginning of a whirlwhind year. Less than two months later, I had to leave my new husband to check into an eating disorder rehab program for 45 days. My motivation for recovery -- the hope that some day I could have children if I received treatment. A horse trampling, a tumor discovery, and surgery that I thought would surely hamper my longing for children, all ensued.
I never planned to have twins, but God did. I figured my pregnancy would be relatively normal -- not ridden with every possible obstetrical nightmare. I didn't plan to give birth prematurely at 29 weeks, but God had it all taken care of.
Looking back, I can see lots of tears and questions. Many times, I cried out to God, searching for answers. I still don't know why He allowed some struggles and pain. But I have peace knowing that He is and always has been in control.
And so, I've decided that I need to live an "unplanned life." After all, there is no sense in making plans when my Heavenly Father has higher goals in mind. Instead of being a career woman, I'm a happy wife to my own Prince Charming and a delighted mommy to 3 precious girls. I'm glad I chose His plan over my own!
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Give Up!
God's Hand is always at work. The past few weeks have been quite eventful. Happily, our family is settled into a cozy little home in Ohio. Four years ago, or even four months ago, I never would have imagined my life where it is now. However, I couldn't be more content.
Sometimes, it's really hard not to focus on our problems. I think we all can be found guilty of that every now and then. "Woe is me", "Why me?", and "I just can't handle any more" can plague our thoughts like a dreadful swarm of locusts, buzzing about us, growing in strength and number the more we dwell on them. I've certainly had my share of complaints lately. From aching muscles to hospital visits to insensitive comments . . . well, I could go on. But, I won't. My problems, trite as they may seem to others, but thoroughly valid in my own mind, should be laid at the feet of my Heavenly Father for Him to deal with. He is much more powerful than me, and certainly far larger than my problems. Every day, every hour, every moment of my "turmoil" I need to remember to just give up. Give up on me trying to fix things, give up on me trying to change people, give up on feeling regret for things in the past, give up on feeling anxiety for the future, give up on trying to be perfect. Sound pessimistic? Definitely not! I can experience a whole new world of freedom if I just take a deep breath, give it all up to my Savior, and realize that He can fix things much better than I can, only He can change people, He can take away my past regrets, He can give me hope for the future, and only He is perfect. Ahhh . . . that feels so much better.
I have no idea what next year will bring, or even what tomorrow will bring. However, I know that God has amazing things in store for my family, and I couldn't feel more blessed. I just pray that I can remember each and every day to let go of myself and hang onto my Father.
Sometimes, it's really hard not to focus on our problems. I think we all can be found guilty of that every now and then. "Woe is me", "Why me?", and "I just can't handle any more" can plague our thoughts like a dreadful swarm of locusts, buzzing about us, growing in strength and number the more we dwell on them. I've certainly had my share of complaints lately. From aching muscles to hospital visits to insensitive comments . . . well, I could go on. But, I won't. My problems, trite as they may seem to others, but thoroughly valid in my own mind, should be laid at the feet of my Heavenly Father for Him to deal with. He is much more powerful than me, and certainly far larger than my problems. Every day, every hour, every moment of my "turmoil" I need to remember to just give up. Give up on me trying to fix things, give up on me trying to change people, give up on feeling regret for things in the past, give up on feeling anxiety for the future, give up on trying to be perfect. Sound pessimistic? Definitely not! I can experience a whole new world of freedom if I just take a deep breath, give it all up to my Savior, and realize that He can fix things much better than I can, only He can change people, He can take away my past regrets, He can give me hope for the future, and only He is perfect. Ahhh . . . that feels so much better.
I have no idea what next year will bring, or even what tomorrow will bring. However, I know that God has amazing things in store for my family, and I couldn't feel more blessed. I just pray that I can remember each and every day to let go of myself and hang onto my Father.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
A life worth living
This past week was quite eventful, and a huge assortment of thoughts has been cluttering my mind of late. Our stay here in the hotel has presented us with the opportunity to watch television, something we had not been accustomed to as of late. Today, I have been consumed by the news, something I often steer clear from, due to its depressing nature. However, I was drawn in today, and I cannot help but feel outraged at the likelihood that "Obamacare" will be forced onto us in America.
I certainly do not want to delve into all the details of the bill, but I just cannot overlook one aspect which touches home so deeply to me. I have a difficult time accepting the fact that my taxpayer money will help to fund abortions. As someone who lived through a high risk pregnancy, where the physicians did everything in their power to keep my babies alive, it seems like a horrific contradiction to say that other unborn babies are not worth the trouble.
It is days like today that I am glad that my citizenship is in heaven. The things of this earth are far too overwhelming for me to tackle on my own. Whether discouraged by the political climate or by a fussy toddler, I can always lay my concerns at the feet of my Heavenly Father. I cannot become disheartened. Today is a gift that I refuse to waste on pining over problems.
This past month has certainly been ridden with its share of trials. I will not deny that I have shed a few tears and mumbled several angry words during our transition period. Frustration has been preeminent. However, I feel enormously blessed that we were provided with the resources and flexability to make this situation more than just bearable. God never lets us deal with something that is more than we can handle through His strength. My prayer is that I can always remember that, especially "in the moment." Just think how much less complicated life would be! We all, born and unborn, have been gifted with a tremendous opportunity to live a life worth living.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
My "Extraordinary" Day
What separates an ordinary day from an extraordinary day? I've been pondering this subject for the past 24 hours, and have come to a profound conclusion. My extraordinary day may be your ordinary day, just as your extraordinary day may be my ordinary day. In simpler terms, the "extra" is not characterized by an event, but by a mindset.
My day today may seem like the most ordinary and uninteresting day one could imagine. To begin with, I woke up several times in the wee hours of the morning, gazing at the hotel alarm clock. Perhaps my insomnia is due to my pregnancy, perhaps due to the many things that have been occupying my mind of late, but most likely due to the fact that I have been sleeping on a hotel mattress for the past several weeks while awaiting the moment that I can move into our new home and at last reacquaint myself with our sleep number bed. The morning continued rather uneventfully as my husband left early for work and I tried to get a few more hours of sleep while my 2 little dogs nestled themselves amongst the blankets and pillows. When my 15 month old twin daughters awoke, my day began in full swing. Dressing the girls, feeding them breakfast, brushing teeth, reading a story, folding laundry, taking the dogs out, filing some bills, enjoying a quick shower during naptime, fixing snacks and lunch, preparing supper, making some phone calls, and the list goes on. Yes, it sounds quite ordinary and uneventful. But amidst my ordinary life, I enjoyed spending precious moments with my daughters, surely improved my health by being near by dogs, was able to speak with both of my parents and my sister via Mr. Bell's fabulous invention, and gladly welcomed several kisses from my adoring husband.
Indeed, I consider myself blessed; because amidst the "ordinary" things of life, I am able to see the extraordinary. Not every day is this "typical," but I thank the Lord for every moment He has given me. I have decided here and now to make each moment special. My "typical," "uneventful" days will no longer be "ordinary." I have been gifted with life; and therefore, each and every day of this great life should be made "extraordinary."
My day today may seem like the most ordinary and uninteresting day one could imagine. To begin with, I woke up several times in the wee hours of the morning, gazing at the hotel alarm clock. Perhaps my insomnia is due to my pregnancy, perhaps due to the many things that have been occupying my mind of late, but most likely due to the fact that I have been sleeping on a hotel mattress for the past several weeks while awaiting the moment that I can move into our new home and at last reacquaint myself with our sleep number bed. The morning continued rather uneventfully as my husband left early for work and I tried to get a few more hours of sleep while my 2 little dogs nestled themselves amongst the blankets and pillows. When my 15 month old twin daughters awoke, my day began in full swing. Dressing the girls, feeding them breakfast, brushing teeth, reading a story, folding laundry, taking the dogs out, filing some bills, enjoying a quick shower during naptime, fixing snacks and lunch, preparing supper, making some phone calls, and the list goes on. Yes, it sounds quite ordinary and uneventful. But amidst my ordinary life, I enjoyed spending precious moments with my daughters, surely improved my health by being near by dogs, was able to speak with both of my parents and my sister via Mr. Bell's fabulous invention, and gladly welcomed several kisses from my adoring husband.
Indeed, I consider myself blessed; because amidst the "ordinary" things of life, I am able to see the extraordinary. Not every day is this "typical," but I thank the Lord for every moment He has given me. I have decided here and now to make each moment special. My "typical," "uneventful" days will no longer be "ordinary." I have been gifted with life; and therefore, each and every day of this great life should be made "extraordinary."
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